Footfalls Within My Heart
by evalanis
Summary: Fourteen moments in the life of one Remus J. Lupin from the age of eleven to thrity eight. Some Slash. RLSB. COMPLETE!
1. September 1971

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is. 

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part One – Marauders Meet**_

"_If I be the first of us to die,_

_Let grief not blacken long your sky."_

_---_

**September 1971**

Remus Lupin had always been a rather small boy for his age, or so everyone said. His small stature had been one of the many reasons – never the right one – that his parents had given him when explaining why he would not be starting at Hogwarts that year with the other young witches and wizards of his age. But despite all of the arguments his parents had made, all of the reasons they had given, Remus – with the help of a certain Headmaster – was about to truly enter the world of magic.

Remus closed his unusual amber eyes as he approached the barrier separating the muggle platform from the wizarding one. Taking a deep breath and dispelling all of his fears, Remus took one more step, pushing through the barrier and stepping for the first time onto Platform 9¾ . The first thing Remus saw when he opened his eyes was the rapidly approaching form of a short – and rather chubby – boy of Remus' own age. There was a resounding crash as the other boy's trolley collided with Remus' own.

Picking himself up and wincing as he felt new bruises forming on old ones not yet healed, Remus looked down at the youth who had crashed into him.

"I'm so sorry. I lost control of my trolley," the other boy said as he attempted to pull himself free of the mess that was their trolleys.

"Oh, that's all right. I was bound to a get a few bruises today anyway." Remus shifted a trolley before stretching out his hand to help up the bigger boy. "I'm Remus, by the way. Remus Lupin. A first year."

"Oh. Thank you. Me too, I'm Peter Pettigrew." Peter stood up and Remus noted that they were of an equal height, though the other boy was definitely wider than Remus was. Peter's hair had obviously suffered many minutes of grooming this morning, and Remus smiled as he noted that it now had the appearance of a mop. His eyes were a blue colour and they were continually darting all over the platform, never maintaining contact with Remus' for long.

"Do you think that we should go and find a carriage? It looks like the train is getting ready to leave." Remus was telling the truth, for while they had been trying to untangle themselves from the mess of their trolley's the other students had all made their way onto the scarlet train.

The two boys picked up their luggage and followed the other students onto the train, only just making it through the doors when they closed sharply behind them. Peter and Remus walked up and down the corridor of the train, trying to find an empty carriage. Unsuccessful, they knocked on a door at the very back of the train which contained only one boy, who appeared to be around their own age with long black hair hanging down past his shoulders. The other boy looked up at the sound of the knock and they entered quietly.

"Do you mind if we share the carriage with you?" Remus asked politely, pushing a lock of his tawny hair out of his eyes. "It's just that everywhere else is full."

"Sure. I wouldn't mind some company. No one else will be brave enough to share a carriage with me." At Remus and Peter's questioning glances, the dark haired boy continued. "I'm a Black. Sirius Black." Remus stared at the boy opposite him with wide eyes, he had heard numerous stories about the Black family, and none of them had been good. Beside him, Peter was staring aimlessly out of the window. Sirius smiled faintly when he saw Remus' eyes widen. "Don't worry, I'll understand if you no longer want to share a carriage with me."

"No, its fine. I don't mind. It was just a bit of a shock, that's all. I'm Remus Lupin and this is Peter Pettigrew." A few moments silence ensued before Peter piped up, speaking for the first time since entering the carriage. "What house do you all think you're going to be in? I think that I'll probably end up in Hufflepuff. They seem like a good house."

Remus winced. This was not the kind of subject he would have chosen to speak of with a Black. For hundreds of years the Blacks had been loyal to one house at Hogwarts only.

"Slytherin." Sirius said, his voice dripping with disgust. "I'll be in Slytherin for sure. All the _Blacks_ are in Slytherin." Remus looked up at Siirus when he said the name Black, for it was not ringing with the family pride he had expected, but with a hatred that was only thinly masked. "What about you Remus? What house do you think you'll be in?"

Remus felt his cheeks begin to burn, he hated being the centre of attention. "I don't know, I've never really thought about-" Remus was cut off abruptly as another boy loudly pushed open the doors to the carriage.

"Sorry to intrude. Everywhere else is full. Mind giving me a hand?" This was directed at Peter who immediately jumped up off his seat where he had been eating chocolates for the last few minutes. He got his trunk settled and sat down next to Sirius, opposite Remus and Peter. "Oh, I'm James by the way. James Potter."

"I'm Sirius, this is Remus and Peter. And have you _ever_ brushed your hair?" Remus laughed at Sirius' question, he understood what he meant. James' black hair looked as if it had never been brushed. It stood up messily all over his head and Remus thought it highly unlikely that it would ever be made to lie flat. James sheepishly ran a hand through the said hair before adjusting the glasses which covered his hazel eyes and had been slipping down his nose.

"Yes. In fact, I brushed it only a few minutes ago. It never stays neat." As he said this, James ran his hand through his hair again, making it still more impossibly messy.

"You should try not running your hand through it so often." Sirius said, running his hand through his own hair, which fell back to its former position, looking completely unruffled. "If you don't, birds will start to lay eggs in it any day now." All four of them laughed at this and the rest of the journey to Hogwarts was passed in laughter. Remus was able to forget for a time the terror he had felt before stepping through the barrier, fearing that someone would discover his dangerous secret and that he would be forced to leave Hogwarts having only just started there.

That night, as Remus lay in his bed with his three new friends around him, he felt happy for the first time in ages. The four of them had all been sorted into Gryffindor – very much to Sirius and Peter's surprise – and now they were preparing to spend the next seven years together. Remus rolled over and found himself looking at Sirius' face and his last thought before sleep consumed him was how lucky he was to have such good friends.


	2. April 1974

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is. 

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part Two – Feelings**_

"_Be bold yet modest in your grieving,_

_There is a change but not a leaving."_

_---_

**April 1974**

Remus watched from a distance as Sirius and James chased a very pink – literally – Severus Snape through the halls of Hogwarts, trying not to laugh as Snape squealed in a rather feminine way. He knew that he really should be intervening; another stunt like this would definitely land James and Sirius yet another detention, and most likely a further loss of House points. McGonagall would _not_ be happy. James and Sirius eventually stopped chasing Snape, allowing the humiliated Slytherin to return to his common room where he would no doubt suffer even more ridicule. The Slytherin's were a ruthless bunch.

Remus turned his eyes to watch Sirius as the boy laughed, giving James a high five before being surrounded by his admirers who all, no doubt, wanted to congratulate them on their successful prank. Sirius and James were famous among both the students and teachers at Hogwarts for being practical jokers and pranksters. They had even managed to get Peter and Remus embroiled in some of their greater pranks. Remus could see Peter now, amongst the admirers, sticking to James' side. James had become rather like an idol to Pete in the three or so years that they had all known each other. James put up with this idolism. In fact, Remus thought that he rather enjoyed having someone look up to him.

Remus watched from afar as the girls all clutched at Sirius. Even at fourteen the girls all loved him; for his charm, his sense of humour, and – of course – for his looks. Sirius still wore his black hair neat and long, and his eyes, which on that first day had been a dull grey colour, now shone silver with his love of life. Remus felt his jealousy spring up like a wolf within him, as one of the girls surrounding Sirius reached up to whisper in his ear before kissing him on the cheek. But he quickly stifled it, afraid that someone would see what he felt in his eyes. Remus had become accustomed to the feeling of jealousy that would appear whenever he saw Sirius surrounded by the girls who would proclaim to love him but never really knew him.

Everyone else saw only the Sirius Black who strolled around the castle with an air of arrogance that could rival a Malfoy's. But Remus knew the real Sirius, not the Black, but the boy who walked apart from his family, who had to fight daily to win people's admiration for just being himself. Not for the family name that he bore. Remus saw the Sirius who would place the safety of his friends before his own, the Sirius who had stuck by him when they discovered his secret. The Sirius who, after the full moon, would come by before classes to bring Remus some of that chocolate that he loved and who would – against his own nature – come by after class to give Remus his notes for the classes he had missed. That was the real Sirius. Not the arrogant, cocky one who strolled around the castle, but the kind and sensitive one who only his friends saw.

That was the Sirius Black whom Remus Lupin had come to love.

And that was where the jealousy came from. These girls who surrounded his friend knew nothing about the real Sirius, and yet they were able to get closer to him than Remus would ever be able to. For some moments, Remus continued to watch Sirius unnoticed, until Sirius - realising perhaps that he was been watched, looked up and - catching his friend's eye, smiled at him before winking and returning to his conversation with the girls around him.

Remus sighed before turning around and heading back to the dormitories. For some time he had known that what he felt for Sirius was more than friendship. At first he had just told himself that it was nothing, after all, didn't he love all of them like brothers? No, not all of them: Sirius he loved like a man loved a woman, like his mother loved his father. But this love would always go unrequited; it was too dangerous to love a friend, for fear of destroying everything.

"Oi, Remus! Wait up!" Remus turned around to see Sirius running up to him, having finally distanced himself from his fan club. He stopped and waited awhile for Sirius to catch his breath. "They're wild back there. Did you know that one of those girls actually told me that she loved me and wanted to have my babies? Psychotic that one."

Remus laughed along with his friend, but on the inside he felt like crying. Love was a dangerous game and at the moment Remus Lupin was losing. But he would not let Sirius know it. What he felt was best left unsaid.

"When are you going to leave Snape alone, Sirius? What did he ever do to you?" Remus said, pretending, as always, that what he felt didn't exist.

"Leave Snape alone! Are you mad? Never. Pulling pranks on Snape is one of the best ways to have fun around here. Besides, it doesn't hurt anyone, right? Just a bit of enjoyment to pass the ti—"

"BLACK!" McGonagall's voice cut Sirius off short, and the two boys whirled around to face their furious Head of House who already had James, Peter and a still very pink Snape following behind her. Remus looked at Sirius and was forced to hide a smile when he saw that his friend had assumed an innocent expression.

"Yes, oh Professor of Professors?" Sirius said, in an angelically innocent voice that would have fooled anyone except McGonagall, whose lips thinned more than Remus would have thought possible.

"Enough, Black. You have detention for a week, and I have been forced to take 75 points from Gryffindor. I would have thought that after last time… but no. Of course not. For the last time, Black, magic is _not_ to be used outside of the classroom. _Especially_ not on another student. Do you understand me Black?" McGonagall's voice had been rising in both volume and pitch as she spoke and Sirius winced when she said his name, before answering her with a weak 'Yes'. "And that goes for you too, Potter. I want to see the both of you after dinner tonight so that we can discuss your detention. Severus, please come with me. We'll see what Madame Pomfrey can do for you."

McGonagall walked briskly away, a dejected Snape following closely behind her. Remus turned to look at his friends in an 'I-told-you-so' way, only glaring at them harder when they burst into laughter. However, his look changed to a blush when Sirius slung his arm around Remus' waist, steering him once again in the direction of the common room.

"Ease up a little bit, Remus, you old wolf." James said, smiling when Remus glared at him through his blush. "We're keeping McGonagall alive."

"Keeping her alive? You're going to give the poor woman a heart attack!" Remus replied.

"I thought it was brilliant." Peter said from behind them, causing Remus to scowl.

"Don't worry about it Remus. We'll be fine. After all, we're already in detention for the next three weeks." Sirius said, smiling as he steered Remus through the portrait hole after James. "Oh, and would it be all right if I borrowed your notes for today's lessons. I, uh, forgot to take my own."

"Yeah, yeah, Sirius. I've heard it all before," Remus said, hitting his friend lightly on the shoulder. Sirius grinned before bouncing away to sit in his favourite chair by the fireplace where James and Peter were already seated. Remus followed in a quieter manner.

Later that night, Remus lay awake in bed, thinking once again about his feelings for a certain friend. For Remus, one thing was certain, his feelings for Sirius would never be returned, and so, it was safer for him to just leave them as they were. Deep within his own heart.


	3. December 1975

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

**_Part Three – Forever_**

"_For just as death is a part of life,_

_The dead live on forever in the living"_

_---_

**December 1975**

Remus Lupin sighed and pulled his cloak tighter around himself before looking out at the dark night sky. He had no idea how he had allowed Sirius to convince him to come up to the top of the Astronomy Tower when they were meant to be sleeping. And in the middle of winter, no less!

"You can go inside if you're really cold, Remus." Remus turned his head to look at the boy, nearly a man, who sat beside him, his long black hair shielding his face from view.

"I'm fine." Remus said, even as he attempted to stop his teeth from chattering.

"Liar." Sirius said, shifting closer so that Remus felt his body burn where it touched Sirius. The other boy turned to face Remus and smiled, his white teeth glinting in the light from the moon. Remus shivered, though this time it wasn't due to the cold.

"I've always thought that you look more than a little psychotic when you smile in the middle of the night. Don't do it again or you may force me to jump off the tower." Remus said, causing Sirius to burst out in barking laughter.

"Then I'll just have to hold onto you, won't I?" Sirius said as he looped his arm around Remus' waist, holding tightly onto him. Remus bowed his head to hide the blush forming on his cheeks and silence ensued for a few moments as Sirius studied the stars above him. "I've always been fascinated by the stars." Sirius said quietly, though still causing Remus to jump slightly at the sound of his voice. Remus followed his friend's gaze to look at the stars which glittered in the dark sky.

"I wouldn't have thought it of you, Sirius. You never did do well at Astronomy." Remus said, smiling at his friend. "But I have to agree with you, they are the most beautiful part of the sky."

"And they last forever. That has always been my fascination with them."

"Ah, but they don't. You really didn't pay attention in Astronomy, did you? Half of those stars that we see up there now are already dead. Faded and no more. After all, forever is a very long time. Unaccountably long. Not even the stars or the sun last forever." Remus said, searching as he spoke for that one star he hoped would live forever. The Dog Star. For a few moments after this last statement Sirius was silent, but not long after he spoke again.

"As a child it was always my dream that I would live forever. That one day, my family would all be gone and I would be alone, the last of the Blacks. Free to do whatever I wanted, for however long I wanted to. I always dreamt that eventually, when I grew tired of the world, I would fly up into the night sky, and then Sirius, the Dog Star, would shine the brightest star of all. And all of those children, who lay awake in bed, they would make their wishes on me, the brightest star, and I would see them fulfilled. I like to think that the Dog Star will live on forever."

Remus was shocked to find that tears glistened in his eyes and he turned from Sirius to brush them away. "As do I. That way the wishes of so many would be granted." As if sensing something left unspoken in Remus' voice, Sirius turned to face his friend again.

"And what do you wish for most of all, Remus?" His voice was sincere, and Remus had to look away again for fear that his eyes would tell the truth before his voice was able to tell the lie. He glanced first at the stars, and then his gaze moved towards that thing he dreaded most of all. The thing that had the power to turn him into a monster he hated. The moon.

"I wish… I wish that the moon was never full. For all of its beauty, the moon for me is the most dangerous thing of all. It's not right that something so beautiful should be so dangerous." Remus spoke to the stars, he would not look at Sirius. He had never been very good at lying to his friends, Sirius in particular, and he feared that if he turned to look at his friend now, Sirius would see what it was that Remus truly wished for most of all. Himself.

"Ah, but that is the way of things, my friend. What is most beautiful is always the most dangerous. For what can be beautiful if it does not also represent danger, a challenge?" As he spoke Sirius' arm tightened its hold on Remus' waist. "Take me for example." Sirius said, his tone light. "I am, am I not, the most beautiful man in the entire world? And yet I am also dangerous. Allow me to demonstrate." And with that, Sirius jumped to his feet and moved to the very edge of the Tower.

"Sirius, don't be stupid. You're going to get us hurt." Remus protested as Sirius dragged him along with him.

"And that is exactly my point, my dear Remus." Remus shivered at the images conjured by this simple and casual phrase. "If I took one more step forward, and if I took you with me, I could make both of our wishes come true. For with that one step, we would meet our deaths. In death, the moon, for all of its beauty and power, would be unable to touch you. You would be free from that power, that other side, which you hate more than anything. And I?" Here Sirius paused to take a deep breath, as if to savour this moment in time. "With death, I too would be free, free of my family and my obligations. I would be able to live forever, to join the stars in that world I have always dreamt of. But," and Sirius stepped away from the edge of the tower, "we cannot make such a choice. Just as we cannot decide when those stars up there will die and vanish from our sight, so we cannot decide when it is time for us to die and be free."

Sirius turned away from Remus and the stars and seated himself back against the wall of the tower. Remus smiled as he thought over what Sirius had said; one part of him wished that those silly girls who proclaimed to love Sirius madly could hear him now so that they would be able to truly love him, but the other part wanted these words to be only for him.

"Oh well, I'll go on believing that the stars will live forever, as will I, hopefully." Sirius' voice echoed through the night sky. "That dream kept me going through the first eleven years of my life, and I'm sure it will do the same for the rest of it. You see, Remus, death is not for me. Death is only for other people. Me, I am going to live forever." Sirius looked up at his friend and, seeing perhaps the scepticism hidden there said, "Just you wait and see, Remus. I'm going to make you believe it. I've always believed in it, you're just the first person I've ever told. James doesn't even know."

"You just continue to believe in that Sirius, and I'm sure you'll do fine in life. Except do remember occasionally that you are not completely invincible. I don't want to have to wear a dress robe for your funeral. I look _terrible_ in a dress robe." This last statement earned another bark of laughter from Sirius, and Remus smiled. "Me, the moon will wax and wane for all time, whether I wish it to or not. But I will continue to live until it is my time for the suffering to be over. Until then, there are other's who deserve death, and the peace that comes with it, more than I do."

Remus remained standing for a few moments until he began to shake with the cold again and was forced to sit back down beside Sirius, who smiled and wound his arm around Remus again, keeping him warm.

"Remus?" Sirius said after some time, breaking the silence.

"Hmm?" Remus mumbled, half asleep.

"We're going to be friends right? For as long as forever grants us? We'll be able to trust each other always and know that the other will always be here?" Remus sat up, awake now.

"I hope so. Life would be so different without you, and James and Peter. I don't think that I'd know what to do. I'd feel… empty in a way. You guys are so much a part of me that I wouldn't know what to do anymore." As Remus spoke he knew what he said to be the truth.

"Good. Because I don't plan on leaving any time soon. So you'll just have to put up with me." Remus had always marvelled at the way Sirius was able to change his tone of voice from humorous to serious so often and seemingly so effortlessly.

"I think that I'll be able to cope." Remus said, before leaning back against the wall of the tower.

"Don't get too comfortable." Sirius warned. "We should head back in soon."

"Hmm…" Was Remus' only reply and the last sound made for quite some time. For a while there was peace, just the two of them, sitting there on top of the Astronomy Tower, thinking of the stars and of the moon, of life and death and of friendship. But most of all; thinking of forever.


	4. January 1977

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is. 

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part Four – Fateful Prank**_

"_And all the gathered riches of our journey,_

_The moments shared, the mysteries explored,_

_The steady layering of intimacy stored."_

**January 1977**

Remus Lupin groaned and rolled over, away from the harsh morning sunlight, wincing as he did so. He was in the Hospital Wing. It was the morning after the full moon and, as usual, he had a few new aches and pains from the transformation the night before. Remus attempted to open his eyes but gave up the attempt when he recognised just how tired his body was.

"So you're awake." A distinctly male voice said by his side.

"James?" Remus questioned, opening his eyes fully this time to look at his friend. "I wouldn't be if it weren't for the bloody sun. It's always brighter on this side of the castle." James chuckled in reply, but to Remus' heightened wolf senses it sounded hollow and empty and he was immediately alert. "What's wrong James?"

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong. Why would you think that anything was wrong?" James' eyes darted around the room, rather giving off the impression of Peter, something which Remus thought it would be wise not to tell his friend at the present time.

"James." The growl in Remus' voice put a halt to James' denial and he sighed.

"Look, Remus." James said. "I don't' quite know how to tell you this. Something did go wrong. Last night in fact." James paused and Remus sat up straight, his immediate thought that he had somehow managed to escape the Shrieking Shack and his friends and had hurt someone. James saw this in his eyes. "No, don't worry, you didn't hurt anyone. No thanks to Sirius…"

"Sirius! James, what happened?" Remus saw the hesitation in James' eyes and placed a bandaged hand on his friend's arm. "James, tell me what happened. I need to know the truth."

"It was Snape, Remus. You know how much Sirius hates him. Even I don't understand how he can hate someone that much." Remus felt as though an iron hand was gripping his heart. "Snape was… snooping around again. Asking questions. Questions about you, Remus." James stopped again, looking Remus in the eye as if willing Remus to already know what he was trying to say so that he didn't have to put it into words.

"Go on, James. No matter how bad it is, I need to hear it." Remus said, his voice shaking despite his best efforts.

"Snape was asking questions about where you go every month or so and well, Sirius… he thought it would be funny. I don't know what got into him, Remus." And suddenly the words came pouring out of James, and into Remus who felt as if his world had been shattered. "Sirius told Snape to follow you into the Whomping Willow. He didn't tell any of us that he was planning it. I wouldn't have known myself if I hadn't heard him mentioning it to Snape. I tried to warn Snape not to follow you but that only convinced him more. I only just got him out of there. But he saw you Remus, he saw you transform. He knows that you're a werewolf."

Remus buried his face in his hands, desperately trying to hide his tears from his friend. He had not expected this, this betrayal. He had loved Sirius for nearly three years now, and this is what that love and his silence had given him in return. Betrayal of his trust. He had trusted Sirius with his greatest secret and this is how Sirius had repaid him.

"Where is he?" This was not a question, but a growling demand and James looked uneasy, once again avoiding Remus' glowing amber eyes. "Where _is he?_"

"Remus. I know that you're angry." James said, backing away ever so slightly from the furious werewolf. "But think about it. He's your friend. They're thinking about expelling him, Remus. He's with Dumbledore now. Dumbledore and Snape."

"He doesn't deserve expulsion! He betrayed me, James! He humiliated me! He used me in an attempt on another student's life! I'll never forgive him! Ever! I hate him!" Remus had leapt out of bed and began ripping the bed sheets apart, his pain at the betrayal turning to anger and hate.

"Do you really mean that, Remus?" The quiet voice of Sirius at the door of the Hospital Wing stopped Remus as he was ripping apart the pillowcase. "Do you really mean it?" Remus turned to look at Sirius, his face a terrible combination of hate, fury, pain and betrayal. Sirius took a step back into the corridor.

"Get out!" Remus said, his voice streaked with emotion. "I never want to see you again. You betrayed me, Sirius! After everything, it would be you who betrayed me! Get out!" Remus was shaking so hard he felt like he would fall over and he could hear his voice trembling in his fury.

"Remus—" Sirius said, taking a step closer into the room, tears running down his cheeks.

"GET OUT!" Remus screamed. He didn't think that he had ever been this angry before in his life. Nor this crushed and hurt, not even on that day when the werewolf had bitten him and begun this torment. He turned away from Sirius, the pain running through every part of his body, but mostly concentrated on his heart.

"Sirius, I think you should go. Remus needs to rest. Come back later if you want. But I really think that you should go." James stepped forward from the corner where he had been standing the entire time and placed his hand on Sirius' shoulder, Sirius shrugged him off.

"I'm not leaving. I'm so sorry Remus. It was just a joke. I didn't think that he'd be foolish enough—" Sirius was cut off yet again by Remus who turned around once more and glared at him ferociously.

"That's just it, isn't it Sirius? You didn't think. You didn't bloody think about it at all, did you? You just thought, 'hey let's give Snape the fright of his life.' You didn't think that you were messing with my life too, did you? That you were messing with my future! If James hadn't intervened, if I had killed Snape like you had obviously planned, the ministry would have the right to cull me!" At Remus' words, Sirius turned ghastly white. "Do you know what that means, Sirius? They would have killed me, just because you wanted to play a joke on Snape. Well _ha ha_ Sirius. _Very_ funny."

"I'm so sorry Remus. Please forgive me. I'll do anything, just forgive me." Sirius took another step towards Remus, his voice sincere and the tears running unchecked down his cheeks.

"Just leave, Sirius. Just leave." Remus turned away from Sirius and sat back down on the bed he had vacated not all that long ago, not moving until he heard the door shut behind Sirius.

"Remus—" James was interrupted by werewolf.

"I'd like some time alone please, James. I just… Thank you. For telling me. I appreciate it." Remus could feel his voice beginning to falter and he knew that it would not be long before he started crying again.

"I'm sorry Remus. I didn't want to tell you. I'm so sorry." Remus didn't say anything, just nodded and waited for James to leave. The door had only just closed when Remus fell to the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I hate you, Sirius. I hate you so much." Remus said passionately, punching the ground until his hands were raw and bloody. But it was not the hate that Remus felt that was causing the tears to stream down his cheeks, but the fact that, despite it all, he still very much loved Sirius Black.


	5. June 1977

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is. 

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part Five – Apologies**_

"_The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,_

_The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring."_

_---_

**June 1977**

The four Marauders, as they were now known among the majority of the students - and even some members of staff - at Hogwarts, were seated underneath the beech tree by the lake, relaxing after the completion of their final exam for the year.

"So Moony," James said, relaxing against the trunk of the tree were he sat next to Sirius. Remus looked up upon hearing his nickname. "What are you planning on doing during the holidays?"

Remus sighed, he had been thinking about this for a while now. "I don't know. My parents will probably want to go away somewhere for a while. Other than that I have no idea. What about you Wormtail?" Peter looked up from his search through his bag to find chocolate bars and shrugged.

"Probably just hang around home, being happy that I'm out of school for a while." The still rather chubby boy stated before resuming his search through his bag.

"Ah, school isn't that bad." James said. "After all, there is the certain benefit of being in close proximity to _very_ good looking young ladies." James raised his voice at this as he spotted Lily Evans and her friends walking along the bank of the lake nearby. Lily looked across at James, and, catching his eye, glared at him before making a rude hand gesture. "Ah, morning Lily!" James shouted, unperturbed by her reaction and waving excitedly at her, causing Remus to laugh.

"Oh go ask her to marry you already James." Sirius said, his irritation at his best friend clearly showing through.

"I already did. I asked her last night." Remus looked up at this, while Peter stuck his head out of his bag, his search forgotten. When it was clear that James was not going to elaborate, Remus poked him. "Ow, Moony! Don't poke so hard, you have pointy fingers." James said, rubbing his ribs.

"Come on, Prongs, give us the details, what did she say?" Remus said, grinning at his friend, knowing that Lily's reaction to such a question would not be a polite one.

"Nothing much really." At the other's disbelieving stares, James threw his hands up in the air. "Oh, all right. She cursed me – both magically and verbally – before saying that the day she married me would be the day that Wormtail here became ruler of the entire world, with Padfoot as his consort."

"Hey!" Peter and Sirius said at the same time.

"And nothing about me, James?" Remus asked innocently. James scowled at his friend.

"No. For some unknown reason Lily seems to like you, Remus. Can't understand why myself, scrawny little thing that you are."

"I'm not scrawny! Take that back!" Remus yelled at his friend. James only laughed and darted away when Remus leaped at him.

"Sorry, Moony my pal, but I refuse to take back the truth. The truth should always be told." James said, twisting away once again as Remus made to pin him to the ground.

"James, stop moving a minute will you. The Bat-Bogey hex won't hurt a bit." Remus said innocently, pulling out his wand.

"Remus, you wouldn't!" James pleaded. Remus' Bat-Bogey hexes were painful to say the least. "You- You're a prefect!" Remus merely shrugged.

"It's my day off." He said before launching himself at James again, finally pinning his bigger friend beneath him.

"Oh, knock it off, will you? Some of us are trying to read." Sirius said angrily, almost jealously. Remus froze. He still hadn't forgiven Sirius for his little 'prank' back in January. James used Remus' moment of distraction to flip them over so that he was pinning the slighter boy to the ground.

"Cheater." Remus breathed out. "Wormtail! Help!" Peter stuck his head out of his bag, where he had still been unable to find his chocolate, shook it and returned to his search. James chuckled.

"Ah, even Pete won't help you, Moony. I'm afraid that you're a lost cause. No one to help you now. Unless…" James looked up in the direction of Sirius, and Remus froze once again.

"No James." He whispered. "Don't. Not him." But it was too late.

"Oi, Padfoot!" James called out, making Sirius look up from the book he had been reading. "Will you take it upon yourself to save dear Sir Moony here from certain death?" Sirius gazed at Remus where he was lying prone on the grass and swallowed.

"If Sir Moony will receive my help, Sir Prongs, I would be glad to offer my services."

"Sir Moony," Remus said bitterly. "Will be fine on his own, thank you very much, Sir Prongs." James sighed and pushed himself off the ground to stand above Remus.

"Can't you two just sort it out? I'm sick of this! You haven't spoken to each other properly for six months! Six months, Remus!" James' voice was growing to a shout and Peter had completely abandoned his bag in favour of watching the eruption that had been boiling under the surface since the day after the 'Snape Incident'. "You're both acting like children. And it has got to stop. Remus, I know that you're still upset, and hurt and angry, but you have to forgive Sirius. We're a team. The four of us, and none of us work properly when we're apart. We've known each other for six years, Moony. Surely you can just forgive him." With that, James stormed off with Peter in tow, leaving Remus and Sirius alone underneath the beech tree.

Remus sighed and stood up. He turned away from where Sirius was looking at him eagerly and stared out towards the lake. It still hurt. Sirius' betrayal, the humiliation, the way Snape had looked at him when he had emerged a few days later from the Hospital Wing; like he was a dangerous animal who should be locked away. He felt the tears welling in his eyes and brushed them ferociously away. Damn James. He didn't care what he had said. Remus was not about to forgive Sirius so readily. Remus picked up his bag from the ground and began walking towards the castle when he was stopped abruptly by Sirius' hand on his shoulder.

"Remus," Sirius said quietly. "Don't go. Please. James was right. We need to talk about this. Just stay for a few minutes. Please." Remus had never been able to resist Sirius when he spoke like this and this time was no exception. He dropped his bag back down on the ground and took a seat by the trunk of the tree, still not looking at Sirius.

"Speak. You have a few minutes." Remus said briskly. He had no intention of allowing Sirius to get away with what he had done.

"I'm so sorry Remus. You can't imagine how sorry I am about what I did. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair to you or to… or to Snape." Sirius paused, gathering his courage. It took a lot to make Sirius admit that he was sorry. "I was wrong and childish and stupid. I'll never forgive myself for what I did, but I ask that you do. I can't go on not being able to speak to you, to look at you without knowing how much you hate me, to touch you even. Please Moony." Remus looked up at Sirius for the first time and felt the hurt start to go away as he noticed the tears on his friend's face.

"I never hated you." His voice was a whisper, but Sirius heard it nonetheless.

"What? But you said—"

"I lied. I wanted to hate you so much, Sirius. You hurt me and you betrayed me." Sirius bowed his head at Remus' words. "I was angry with you, I still am slightly, but I wasn't truly able to hate you. I'm sorry." With that Remus broke into tears, his resolve not to let Sirius get away easily broken with a few simple words. Sirius stared at him, shocked, for a moment or two, before gathering Remus in his arms.

"Shh. You have nothing to be sorry about. You did nothing wrong at all. It was all my fault. Gods, I'm so absolutely sorry, Remus. I never meant to hurt you so much." Sirius was rocking Remus backwards and forwards, tears running down his own cheeks even as he tried to stop Remus crying. "Don't cry. I don't think that I can bare you crying. I'm so sorry, Remus. So completely sorry. Please forgive me."

And as Sirius held Remus in his arms, begging his forgiveness, Remus knew that he would grant it. His life hadn't felt right without Sirius, and he didn't think that either of them would have been able to go on much longer. So he would forgive Sirius for hurting him, for endangering his life and Snape's, but he would never forget what he had done, never forget that Sirius had betrayed him and would be perfectly capable of doing so again.


	6. December 1977

**Rating:** Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer:** None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part Six – First Kiss**_

"_The wordless language of look and touch,_

_The knowing."_

_---_

**December 1977**

Remus Lupin stumbled for what felt like the hundredth time and swore loudly, cursing his friend who was walking slightly ahead of him. He only cursed louder when he heard Sirius laugh.

"It's not funny, Black!" Remus shouted loudly, kicking snow in the direction of his friend. In his seventh year, Remus was still very short and thin for his age, especially compared to Sirius who was tall and had a strong build. Sirius stopped walking and waited for Remus to catch up, laughter still in his eyes.

"Of course it's funny, Moony. You're just so… cute when you can't do something." Remus looked up at his friend, astonished and hopeful, before banishing the thoughts he wouldn't allow himself to think. Even after all of these years, he hadn't learnt that Sirius was not for him. "You won't give up even when you're fighting a losing battle. Then you get in a really shitty mood and start swearing a lot. It's really cute." As Sirius had been talking the two boys had begun walking through the snow again, heading for the village of Hogsmeade.

"I am not cute!" Remus said indignantly. Sirius just laughed and patted Remus on the shoulder reassuringly, causing Remus to stumble again and curse. He glared at his much taller friend when he laughed and then hit Sirius hard on the arm when Sirius mumbled something suspiciously like 'Cute' under his breath. "And I don't see why we couldn't have gone through one of the tunnels to Hogsmeade." Remus mumbled.

"Because walking this way is more of an exercise. It's great fun too." Sirius bent down, presumably to tie up his shoelaces. "Besides, look at the wonderful view." Remus turned his head in the direction Sirius referred to and, not seeing anything, he was about to turn around and question his friend when he felt a great wet and cold ball smash into the back of his head.

"Sirius!" Remus shouted, turning around to face his friend angrily. He _hated_ the cold.

"Just in the spirit of Christmas Moony." Sirius told him innocently.

"Just in – Just in the spirit of Christmas! Oh you are so going to get it." Remus said, bending down to gather a snow ball of his own before squealing when he felt another snow ball hit him squarely in the arse. "Damn it, Sirius!"

For the next ten minutes or so the sound of snow connecting with body parts and rather unmanly squeals resounded through the air, until Sirius hit Remus with a rather large snow ball, pushing him to the ground, spluttering. Sirius laughed as he moved towards his friend's prone figure.

"Oh dear, Moony! You seem to have fallen over there. Would you like a hand to help you up?" Sirius said innocently, standing over Remus' body. Remus was not fooled in the slightest.

"No thank you, Padfoot. I'm perfectly capable of standing on my own." And Remus began to sit up, but found himself stopped when Sirius seated himself on Remus' stomach.

"Are you sure about that, Remus? You seem to be having some difficulty."

"No thanks to a certain big lump situated for some reason on my stomach." Remus said, blushing and trying to wriggle his way out from underneath his much bigger friend.

"Big lump? I wouldn't say that, more like a fantastic specimen of male beauty." Sirius responded, his tone light. Remus snorted, trying to hide his actual agreement. He froze however, when Sirius started wriggling on top of him, apparently trying to get comfortable.

"Sirius, stop trying to suffocate me and let me up! It's getting cold." Remus said, pushing against his friend.

"Don't worry Remus, I'll keep you warm." Sirius said, and Remus felt a definite sense of foreboding when he noted the glimmer in Sirius' eye which usually meant that Sirius was up to something. His suspicions were confirmed when Sirius changed his position, spreading his much longer body over Remus' and resting his head on his friend's chest. Remus was silent for a moment, trying to stop the images Sirius' change in position had conjured.

"Sirius?" Remus said after awhile.

"Hmm?"

"You're suffocating me." Sirius' only response was to move closer to Remus. Apparently Remus' bigger friend was falling asleep. Remus sighed and shoved lightly at his friend. He was both delighted and saddened to find that Sirius rolled over. "I'm not a pillow. Besides, we have to get to the Three Broomsticks. You promised James that we'd meet him there and you can't leave him alone with only Lily and Peter for company." Sirius groaned and sat up slowly.

"Do we have to? Can't we just… stay here or something?" Sirius said, reaching up to run his hand through his hair – a nervous gesture he had picked up from James.

"No. It's cold out here." Remus said, beginning to shiver. "We either have to go on to the Three Broomsticks or we have to go back to school." Sirius groaned and stood up, turning in the direction of Hogsmeade. Remus slowly got up off the cold ground and followed him silently. The two friends continued walking for a time without talking, before Sirius suddenly stopped in the middle of the path.

"Sirius?" Remus queried.

"What? Oh, right. Sorry Remus, I was just thinking." Sirius said, still not walking onwards.

"About what?"

"Well… um… you know, just stuff." Remus was worried to say the least. Sirius _never_ didn't know what to say. And when he did know what to say, he always said it, despite the consequences.

"Sirius, are you all right?" Remus asked, placing his hand on his friend's arm. Sirius started and turned to face Remus.

"Remus?" Sirius asked. "I'm about to do something that is probably incredibly stupid and you're possibly going to hate me for the rest of your life." Remus was really worried now, but he didn't have time to think about it, for Sirius' lips were abruptly on top of his own.

Remus' eyes widened in shock. For four years he had dreamt of kissing Sirius, but it had never been like this, always it was Remus who initiated the kiss, taking Sirius by surprise, and it had always been something needy and ferocious. But this was gentle and questioning. Remus groaned inwardly when Sirius pulled back.

"I'm sorry." Sirius said, causing Remus to look up at him, startled. "I shouldn't have done that. Don't know why I did actually. Wasn't really think—" Sirius was cut off abruptly when Remus launched himself at his bigger friend, kissing him intensely. This time the kiss was more fierce, a battle of tongues and Remus felt his knees begin to buckle. Without thinking it through properly, Remus jumped up, wrapping his legs around Sirius' waist. Sirius brought his hands around to steady Remus, not breaking the kiss for a moment.

For some time the two friends stayed wrapped up in each other's embrace, the cold forgotten as they thought only of each other. Finally though, Remus broke away from Sirius, in need of some oxygen. Slowly, he untangled his legs from around Sirius' waist and dropped gently to the ground. Neither of them said anything for a moment or two, instead they simply looked everywhere but at each other.

"How long?" Remus asked Sirius, finally looking up again at his friend. "How long have you been wanting to… kiss me?" Sirius refused to meet Remus' eyes, and instead looked back towards Hogwarts.

"Since that night on the Astronomy Tower, you know which one I mean. But I didn't think… How long have you been waiting, Remus?" Sirius finally turned to look at his friend, his grey eyes questioning.

Remus looked away, he didn't know if he could answer Sirius' question. How long had he been waiting? It seemed like forever. "Four years." He said quietly. Remus heard Sirius' sharp intake of breath but didn't turn around. He started slightly when he felt Sirius' strong arms on his shoulders moving him to face his dark haired friend. Remus looked down, afraid of what he'd see in Sirius' eyes and what Sirius would see in his, but then he felt his friend's hand on his chin, lifting his face up. Sirius smiled.

"You shouldn't have had to wait so long. Only you would be so patient." And then Sirius' lips were on his own again, and Remus felt that everything would be all right. All except one thing. He pulled away to look at Sirius again.

"Can we go inside now? It really is very cold." Sirius laughed and pulled Remus closer to him, kissing him once more fiercely before turning him around and walking back in the direction of the castle, their mission to save James from Lily completely forgotten.


	7. June 1978

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is. 

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part Seven – Leaving**_

"_Each giving and each taking."_

_---_

**June 1978**

As the scarlet Hogwarts Express rolled away from the platform, Remus stuck his head out of the window to watch as the castle he had spent the last seven years of his life in slowly disappeared from sight. The feeling was bittersweet. On the one hand, he was finally free to do whatever he wanted, but on the other hand he was leaving behind the place where he had lived some of his best years, some of his best moments. And some of his worst. Remus could hardly believe that he was really leaving Hogwarts for the last time.

"I can't believe that we're actually leaving for real this time." A voice said behind him. Remus turned to look at his boyfriend, smiling.

"Reading my thoughts again, Sirius?" He said teasingly before moving to sit next to his boyfriend. Sirius chuckled and lifted up his arm, allowing Remus to move closer.

"What can I say, Remus, I'm psychic." Sirius said jokingly before leaning in to kiss his boyfriend gently.

"More like psychotic." A male voice mumbled from the other side of the carriage. Remus lifted his head to look at James and found himself smiling. James was hardly to be seen, seated as he was with his girlfriend Lily on his lap. Lily's eyes were closed and she was resting her head on James' shoulder, with his arms wrapped tightly around her waist.

It had been a shock for them all, most of all James, when Lily had loudly announced in the common room one night earlier in the year that if James Potter did not get over there and ask her out she was going to have to hex him to hell and beyond. James had been quick to comply; Lily's hexes were painful. Remus shifted his gaze to look at Peter who was seated next to the couple. He had already managed to find chocolate frogs and Every Flavour Beans within the deep recesses of his bag and was devouring them ferociously.

"I'd be watching what I was saying if I were you, Prongs my dear fellow." Sirius remarked, closing his eyes and tightening his hold on Remus as he spoke. " I currently have on my side a very vicious werewolf who wouldn't hesitate to hurt you if I asked him to." James snorted and Remus looked at Sirius incredulously.

"Is that _really_ what you think, Mr. Black?" Remus asked politely. Something in his tone must have warned Sirius, for he opened his eyes and smiled at his boyfriend.

"Of course it is, Remus. You love me, remember?" Sirius said innocently before winking and closing his eyes again.

"Hmm." Was Remus' only reply before he moved around; this time lying on the seat with his head in Sirius' lap. "Believe what you will."

There was silence throughout the carriage for a while disrupted only by the sounds of Peter unravelling his chocolate frogs and Lily and James conversing in whispers and giggling.

"Where are you guys all going to next?" Peter said abruptly, causing everyone to look at him. "I know that we've all talked about it before, but we never clarified it."

"Well, Lily and I are going to move in together. We've already got a place." James said, holding Lily's hand as she blushed. Sirius sat up, dislodging Remus off his lap. Remus cried out in shock before sitting up, glaring at his boyfriend, who didn't even notice.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" He exclaimed. "How long have you had the place?"

"Well, we've been discussing it for a while." Lily said. "We didn't want everyone at school to know, so we decided not to tell anyone."

"I'm sorry mate," James said, looking Sirius straight in the eyes. "You have no idea how hard it was for me, not being able to tell you."

"I know, Prongs. It was just a bit hard to grasp at first, I mean you're only eighteen…" Sirius said before trailing off. "But then, if you're sure that you're going to be happy together and not at each other's throats all the time… Wait, I'm talking to Lily and James, aren't I? Good luck."

"Well, I'm returning home to live with Mum for a while." Peter said, unwrapping yet another chocolate frog. "After that I don't know."

"I have no idea at all." Remus mumbled, before moving so that he once again had his head in Sirius' lap. "Don't you move a muscle." He said warningly.

"Sorry." Sirius said sheepishly, belatedly realising that he had dislodged his boyfriend earlier. "Well, I'll have to find somewhere to stay now that James' place isn't available. I think that I'm going to look for a place of my own. I do have that money Uncle Alphard left me." Remus looked up at his boyfriend when he said this, a questioning look in his eyes. "You're welcome to come over whenever you want." Sirius told him, pinching his nose in an affectionate gesture. "You all are. You guys just have to knock first." The other three laughed and once again there was silence in the cabin for a time, as all focussed on their future outside of Hogwarts.

When the five of them got off the train, they walked a few steps before stopping abruptly. There were tears glistening in all of their eyes, but Lily was the only one strong enough to freely admit it.

"We'll catch up some day soon." Sirius said, wrapping his arms around Remus' shoulders. "It shouldn't be too long."

"No, of course not." James said, pulling Lily into a tight embrace. Peter seemed to be fighting hard not choke on his sobs and said nothing, simply nodding before delving into his bag and pulling out six chocolate frogs, giving one each to all of the others and keeping the last two for himself.

"Well, we had better get going." Lily said after a while. "I'm taking James to meet my family." The three other boys all winced in sympathy for their friend and Sirius reached over to pat James on the shoulder.

"Good luck mate. If I never see you again, remember that you'll always be my best friend." Sirius said solemnly. James nodded and embraced first Sirius, and then Remus and Peter before he and Lily, who had already said her goodbyes to the other Marauders, moved off towards the barrier.

"I had better go too," Peter stated. "Mum will be wondering where I got to. I'll see you guys later." And then Peter was gone too, leaving Sirius and Remus alone on the platform.

"So…" Sirius said, glancing sideways at his boyfriend and putting his hands in his pockets.

"Yes, Sirius." Remus sighed, smiling before picking up his trunk and moving towards the barrier.

"Yes, what?" Sirius asked, catching up to Remus with his trolley in tow.

"Yes, you can stay with me until you get your own place. I'm sure that my parents won't mind." Remus said, stopping just short of the barrier. Sirius whooped in delight and picked Remus up, spinning him around.

"I knew that I liked you for a reason." Sirius said, kissing Remus furiously. "You're so kind to me." Sirius kissed Remus again before letting him back down and walking through the barrier. Remus shook his head and followed his boyfriend. One thing was certain, the next few months were going to be interesting. The future after that was uncertain and not exactly a bright one, what with the threat of You-Know-Who hanging over the wizarding world. But all five of them had each other, and that was enough for now.

**---**

**Message from the Author -** Halfway there now, everyone. Hold on!


	8. April 1979

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part Eight – The Wedding**_

"_These are not flowers that fade,_

_Nor trees that fall and crumble."_

_---_

**April 1979**

"Sirius!" Remus shouted running up the stairs of the apartment before barging into the bathroom. "We're going to be late if you don't get out of that shower." Sirius looked at Remus – who was only wearing his trousers and his shirt, still half undone – and smiled, lust filling his eyes.

"You can always join me." He said, winking at Remus who wavered for a moment, desperately wanting to join Sirius in the shower, but then strengthened his resolve.

"No. Absolutely not. James will kill us if we're late." Remus said, grabbing a towel from the cupboard and holding it out to Sirius. "More to the point, he'll kill you. We're meant to be there in ten minutes."

"Fine." Sirius said, turning off the water and getting out of the shower. Remus gave him the towel before kissing him hurriedly.

"Good. Your suit is on the bed. Don't be too long getting dressed." Remus said as he exited the bathroom, looking back once to take in the sight of his boyfriend wearing only a towel around his waist with his long black hair dripping water down his chest. Remus left hurriedly before the simple sight of Sirius could convince him to stay.

Some thirty minutes later, Sirius and Remus walked hurriedly into the small church and down the altar to where James stood impatiently.

"You're late." James said, glaring at his best friend. "You were meant to be here twenty minutes ago." James ran his hand through his hair, clearly nervous.

"Don't worry Prongs, your bride will be late anyway." Sirius said, patting James on the shoulder consolingly. "That is if she bothers to turn up at a—Ow! Remus!." Sirius said, rubbing his arm where Remus had punched him. "That hurt."

"Thank you Remus." James said. "Someone needed to shut this git up. You do have the rings, don't you, Sirius?" James said, turning towards his friend again, suddenly serious.

"Of course I do, James!" Sirius said enthusiastically, before turning to whisper frantically in his boyfriend's ear. "I do have the rings, don't I?"

"Yes, Sirius. They're in your left breast pocket." Remus said, smiling.

"Ah, thank you, Moony." Sirius said before leaning over to kiss him on the lips. Straightening up, he looked around him, asking; "And where is our dear Wormtail?"

"He's not here yet." James said calmly.

"And you yelled at me for being late!" Sirius exclaimed before looking around him, noticing for the first time that there was hardly anyone in the church. "There isn't even anyone here!"

"I know. I asked you to get here early. Unlike Wormtail, _you_ are my best man, and _you_ have a habit of running late." James said, smiling. "I needed to ensure that you would be here on time."

"If it wasn't your wedding day I would kill you. I could be sleeping right now." Sirius said, before looking lustily at Remus. "Or better."

"Shut it you," Remus said, blushing as James chuckled. For some time the three friends stood alone at the head of the church, James nodding to those guests who arrived early, until Peter joined them, bustling in with chocolate in hand.

"Couldn't leave the chocolate at home, could you Peter?" Remus said, laughing. Peter shrugged.

"I needed something to eat for breakfast and all that I had around the house was chocolate." All four of them laughed, Remus leaning over to straighten everyone else's ties and unsuccessfully attempting to flatten James' hair.

"Thanks Mum," James said cheekily, Remus hit him sharply over the head.

Not too long afterwards all of the guests were seated and James grew even more nervous, running his hand through his hair every minute or two. Sirius leaned over and patted his best friend consolingly on the shoulder, smiling as he did so.

"Ah, 'tis the end of an era my dear friend. You're about to marry the girl of your dreams, Remus and I have moved in together." Sirius glared at James when he mumbled 'finally' under his breath and Remus blushed. "And Peter, well, Peter is still living at home with his Mum, but that's besides the point." The other three chuckled, Peter hitting Sirius lightly in the stomach. "Why is everyone hitting me today? No, mate, I mean it. This is it. We have to start being all responsible now."

"Never." James said confidently. "Us? Responsible? Things may change a little bit, Sirius. But they're not going to change _that_ much."

"Just you wait and see, Prongs my boy." Sirius said looking more like he was at a funeral rather than the wedding of his best friend. "Everything will change."

"Sirius, stop mourning." Remus said, putting his arms around his boyfriend's waist with the result being that he was no longer visible. "Besides, I think that I see a certain car pulling up out the front." Remus' words had the desired affect; James straightened up, running his hand – yet again – through his dark hair and Peter hastily stuffed the rest of his chocolate in his trouser pocket before wiping his mouth on his handkerchief. Remus kissed Sirius lightly on the cheek, having to stand on his toes to do so, and moved to stand next to his boyfriend, hurriedly straightening Sirius' tie yet again.

James was reaching up to run his hand through his hair yet again when the church organ starting playing the Wedding March. He froze with his hand still entangled in his hair and only remembered to put his hand back down when Sirius nudged him roughly in the ribs. James looked at each of his friends questioningly in turn and they all smiled at him reassuringly. This was it.

Remus smiled as he watched Lily's bridesmaids walk down the aisle and was forced to stifle a laugh when he saw Lily's sister, Petunia, wearing a terrible shade of bright pink, contrasting terribly with the emerald green of the other bridesmaids. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw James and Sirius exchange a glance and knew instinctively that they had had something to do with the colour of Petunia's gown.

He heard James gasp as Lily herself appeared at the door of the church. Remus himself wasn't swayed towards the opposite sex, but even he could see that Lily looked incredibly beautiful. Unlike most of the brides in the weddings Remus had been to previously, Lily glowed only with the natural glow of a bride-to-be. Her hair was done up on the top of her head and her natural curls had been enhanced. Lily's dress was simple and elegant and showed off the natural curves of her body. Simply, she was a specimen of natural female beauty.

After the ceremony, during which the bride and groom had radiated happiness, Remus walked over to join Sirius and the happy couple. Sirius smiled when he saw him approaching and held out his hand to him, continuing to talk to James. For awhile, Remus simply stood by, talking to Lily until he finally heard what Sirius and James were talking about.

"Sirius Black, you are _not_ talking about _quidditch_ on the day of your best friend's wedding!" Remus said shocked and Sirius had the grace to look sheepish.

"Well, you see Remus, James is going on his honeymoon. He's not going to be able to hear about what's happening in the world of quidditch for _ages_. After all, the Falmouth Falcons may just win this year." Sirius said, desperately trying to defend himself.

"It wouldn't matter if the Chudley Cannons had a chance of winning!" Sirius gasped, distraught at the thought of the Cannons winning. Remus ignored him and continued talking. "Now is not the time."

"Oh hush Remus." James said, pulling Lily in closer to him. "You do realise that you two are acting like an old married couple, don't you?" James asked innocently before laughing at the shocked looks on Sirius and Remus' faces. "And we're the ones who just got married." James said before leaning down to kiss Lily.

"Old—Old married – Old married couple!" Sirius stuttered. "James you've got it all wrong. _You_ two are the old married couple, kissing like that. _This_ is how you kiss a person." Sirius said before grabbing hold of Remus and tilting him back over his arm before kissing him ferociously. Remus blushed and swatted Sirius over the head.

"Yeah, yeah." James said before waving Peter over. "Oi, Wormtail! I need your opinion on something. Which of us is more like an old married couple: Sirius and Remus or Lily and I?" For some moments Peter stood contemplating, his eyes moving from where Lily and James stood beaming, arm in arm to where Sirius stood with his arm slung over Remus' shoulders.

"I have no idea James." Peter said, shrugging. "But, if I had to decide I'd say Sirius and Remus." Sirius' mouth dropped open and James started laughing.

"Old married couple my arse." Sirius mumbled under his breath causing the others to all laugh, Remus still with a rather red blush adorning his cheeks.

Later, as Remus took a photo of a laughing Sirius, James and Lily, he reflected on what Sirius had said earlier. He had been right, everything would change, but not necessarily for the worst. He smiled as he pressed down on the shutter, capturing forever the image of three of his best friends on one of the happiest days of their lives.

---

**Message from the Author:** Thank you _so_ much to everyone who has reviewed for this story so far. You have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you.

_Evalanis_


	9. July 1980

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part Nine – Birth**_

"_Nor are they stone,_

_For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand,_

_And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand."_

---

**July 1980**

Remus Lupin woke with a jolt at the sound of tapping on the window before slowly getting out of bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He was careful not to wake his still sleeping boyfriend as he moved to the bedroom window where he could faintly make out the form of an owl. Why would someone be sending him a letter at this time of night? Unless… had there been another attack? Remus hurried towards the window, pulling it open roughly and ripping the letter unceremoniously from the owl who hooted indignantly.

Remus sighed when he read the five simple words on the piece of parchment, and then they _really_ sunk in and he yelped, startlingly a naked Sirius Black awake.

"What? What is it?" Sirius asked, sitting up and looking around him frantically, finally resting his eyes on a rumpled Remus who was hastily pulling on a pair of jeans. "Remus? What is it?"

"Get up." Remus said, reaching for his shirt. "We have to go to St. Mungo's. Now."

"_What?_" Sirius exclaimed, jumping out of the bed and reaching for his pants. "Remus, what's happened? Has someone been hurt?"

"No, nothing like that. Here." Remus said, throwing the piece of parchment at his boyfriend.

Sirius scanned the parchment quickly, reading the five words without truly taking them in: _Baby's coming. St. Mungo's. Now._ When Sirius recognised his best friend's messy scrawl and the meaning behind the words, he, like his boyfriend before him, yelped, and threw the parchment on the bed, hurriedly pulling on his jumper over his naked chest.

"They're having a baby?" Sirius said sometime later as he followed Remus down the corridors of St. Mungos hospital.

"Yes, Sirius." Remus sighed, looking at his boyfriend and smiling. "You've known that for the past seven months."

"I know, I know. But they're having the baby _now_. In the middle of the _night_ at the end of_ July_." Sirius, said, trying to make his point clear. Remus just smiled and pulled his dark haired boyfriend to him, kissing him fiercely before moving on again down the white corridor.

When the pair reached the room they had been told held their friends they were shocked to come across an incredibly mussed – more so than usual – James Potter standing outside the door. James was listening intently to the sounds coming from inside the room, running his hand constantly through his messy black hair, and didn't even notice the approach of his two friends until Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder. James jumped, spinning around in a defensive mode.

"Oh, it's you guys." James said, relaxing slightly before running his hand once again through his hair.

"Stop that." Remus said sharply, knocking James' hand away a moment later when he tried to run it through his hair again.

"They've started." James said, nervously, moving his head to indicate the door behind him. James turned to Sirius with wide eyes and said in a tiny voice, "I'm having a baby." Remus hit himself sharply on the head.

"What is _with_ you two. You've known for months that this was coming."

"Yeah, but it's actually coming now." Sirius said, wiping tears from his eyes. "Its real now."

"Oh for Gods sake." Remus said, looking at them bemusedly and sighing gratefully when Peter came ambling around the corner.

"I just got the owl." Peter said, coming to a stop in front of them, eyeing Sirius and James worriedly when he noticed that they were both crying. "Has something gone wrong? How are they?"

"_They're_ fine," Remus said, indicating the room where they could hear Lily moaning. "Well, as fine as you can be when you're giving birth to a Potter. I'm not so sure about these two. They seem to be having trouble coping with reality."

"Oh." Peter said, this time looking at his two friends sympathetically. "That explains it."

"You're having a baby!" Sirius suddenly wailed from beside them, startling Peter and Remus.

"And you're going to be a godfather!" James said, falling on Sirius, who froze and looked at his friend questioningly.

"I am?" He asked, and then at James' nod, he jumped up and down excitedly. "Hey Remus! I'm going to be a godfather! A godfather!" Sirius continued in this pattern for awhile until he suddenly stopped, a serious look coming across his face. "Shit. Does this mean that I'm going to have to be all responsible now?" Remus laughed and pulled his bigger boyfriend into a seat before sitting on top of him, forcing him to calm down somewhat. James had stopped his own hysterics some time ago and now sat alternatively biting his fingernails and running his hand through his hair. Peter was running back and forth, providing cups of coffee to the other Marauders and himself, seemingly unable to sit still.

For three hours the four friends sat outside the room, listening to the sound of Lily giving birth until suddenly, not long into the morning of July the 31st, there was a silence followed by the clear wail of a baby. James shot up to his feet, a goofy smile on his face as he started bouncing on the balls of his feet excitedly. The other three lurched to their feet not that far behind him.

Eventually a nurse came out, eyeing the four of them suspiciously before asking which one of them was the father. James looked insulted for a moment before he replied that he was. The nurse looked him over before saying that he was allowed to enter the birthing room and that he was allowed to take his friends in with him, as long as they were all quiet. At this last statement she looked pointedly at Sirius who was bouncing up and down.

James literally ran into the room, stopping short at Lily's bed side where she was lying back exhausted on the pillows, their baby wrapped up tightly in her arms. Lily smiled when James approached her before holding the bundle out to him.

"It's a boy." She said, smiling at James' excitement.

"A boy!" James exclaimed, turning around so that the Marauders could see his new pride and joy. "Sirius, Remus, Peter, I'd like you to meet Harry," James said turning to look back at his wife lovingly. "Harry James Potter."

Remus stepped closer to the bundle in James' arms and peered down at the new addition to the Marauder family. Harry even now had a fine mop of black hair, which reminded Remus strongly of James' and although his eyes as yet were the blue colour normal with newborn babies, Remus could see clearly a slight speckle of emerald green in them. Sirius stepped up next to Remus and peered down at the small baby before smiling and looking up at James, holding his hands out. "May I?" he asked.

James smiled back at his best friend and gave tiny Harry over into his possession. Sirius smiled a big toothy grin down at his godson who looked back up at him with clear eyes before grabbing tightly onto a strand of his hair. Sirius winced in pain when Harry tugged on the strand of hair in his hand, causing the others to laugh. Remus stepped forward to help Sirius free his hair.

"Feisty little thing, isn't he?" Peter commented as Harry only let go of the strand of Sirius' hair he had been holding onto to grab another and yank on it tightly.

For some time, Sirius, Remus and Peter stayed with the new family, until Lily complained of exhaustion and they decided to leave and get some sleep themselves. When they stepped out of the hospital, Remus and Sirius waved goodbye to Peter before heading in the direction of their apartment.

"So…" Sirius said after some time. "I'm a godfather."

Remus laughed and wrapped his arm around Sirius' waist. "Still hasn't sunk in, has it?"

"No!" Sirius exclaimed loudly. "I mean, it was amazing. That little guy is possibly the first in a whole new generation of Marauders. I can tell already; Harry is going to be causing a lot of trouble when he gets to Hogwarts." Remus smiled at his boyfriend, not saying anything. "I can't wait to share with him everything I know." Sirius continued. "James probably won't be able to do so, what with Lily breathing down his neck. But that's okay, I'll be there to tell him everything he could possibly need to know."

"Oh Lily is going to kill you if you lead her son astray." Remus said teasingly, bumping deliberately into his boyfriend.

"Astray? Teaching the boy a good way to play pranks is _not_ leading him away!" Sirius said, bumping Remus back and causing him to stumble. "Oh, how I hope that he has someone like Snape in his year level to play pranks on."

"If he's anything like his father and godfather," Remus said, as they started up the steps to their apartment. "I'm sure that he'll be able to find a way to get into trouble no matter what."

"I hope so, Moony," Sirius said, turning to face Remus and stopping at the top of their stairs. "Life isn't fun without someone to make fun of, just as it isn't fun without friends like you, and James, and Peter."

"You're getting quite sentimental in your old age, Mr. Black." Remus said, smiling before opening the front door of their apartment.

"Old age!" Sirius exclaimed, coming into the apartment and slamming the door after him, running up the stairs in Remus' trail. "I'll have you know, Mr. Lupin, that you are barely even two months younger than I am!" Sirius ran into the bedroom which the two of them shared and looked around desperately for Remus, not hearing the door close behind him until it was too late.

Sirius spun around just in time to see Remus come flying towards him, he braced himself and lifted his arms up in time to catch Remus who wrapped his legs around Sirius' waist, kissing him ferociously. Sirius laughed and fell backwards onto the bed, with Remus straddling his waist. Clothes were quickly dispensed of as hands explored bodies and tongues entwined in a desperate battle for domination.

Later, as Remus lay curled up with his head resting on Sirius' chest, somewhere between the realms of sleep and wakefulness, he heard Sirius whisper softly into the night.

"I love you." Remus smiled and moved closer to Sirius so that their limbs were completely intertwined.

"I know, you daft git. I love you too." And he knew that he always would, no matter what.

---

**Message from the Author:** I know I've said it before, but thank you _so_ much to everyone who has ever reviewed. It means so much to me. I think that you all know what the next chapter will be. Hold on tight everybody, there's going to be a slight angst warning. Thank you.

_Evalanis_


	10. October & November 1981

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

**Warning:** Slight Angst... And character death.

_**Part Ten – Death and Betrayal**_

"_What we were, we are._

_What we had, we have."_

---

**October/November 1981**

Remus woke to the sound of someone trying to break down his front door. He looked beside him to see if the noise had woken Sirius up, but the bed was empty. Throwing on a dressing gown, Remus ran down the stairs of the apartment before yanking open the front door.

On the steps leading up to the house, fist raised and hair dishevelled stood Sirius Black. Without knowing how or why, Remus Lupin knew what had happened. Maybe it was the tears that ran silently down Sirius' cheeks, maybe it was the soot smeared over his face and maybe it was the lost look in Sirius' eyes, but suddenly Remus knew and he crumbled to the floor, a sob rising in his throat. Instantly, Sirius was at his side, still wanting to comfort Remus even when he himself was suffering so much pain.

"They're dead, aren't they?" The question came out as no more than a whisper, but it shattered the peace of the apartment the moment it left his mouth. Sirius jumped up, slamming his fist into the wall and breaking the plaster. They had known for months that Lily and James had been in danger - little Harry too - but they had never understood why. Besides, Voldemort would never be able to kill them; they were young, happily married and invincible. And they had each other.

Remus desperately tried to stop the tears from running down his cheeks but found that he no longer seemed to have control of his body.

"How?" Remus asked desperately. "Why?"

"I don't know." Sirius' voice was no more than a whisper, but Remus heard it as if he had shouted it. "It mustn't have worked. That's the only reason I can think of. That, or… No, that's the only reason. It didn't work. I don't know how it could have gone so wrong." Sirius was rambling now, hardly making any sense and Remus tuned out.

He was remembering something Lily had said when she and James were telling them that they had to go away for awhile. They were under strict instructions to give away as little information as it was possible to give; there was a traitor amongst them. Lily had mentioned something about a charm, a protection that they were going to put in place so that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named wouldn't be able to find them. Then she had said something about being happy that they were able to trust one of their closest friends with their safety and the safety of their young son. Lily had immediately placed her hand over her mouth, fearing that she had said too much, but Remus had simply nodded and pulled her into a tight hug, telling her that it didn't matter. They would see each other soon…

"Oh Gods." Remus said, beginning to rock backwards and forwards with the pain of it all. "Why them? Why James? Why Lily? Why Harry? What did they ever do to the world to deserve this?" The tears ran unchecked down his cheeks and he felt like screaming with the pain, but he didn't, he couldn't.

"Shh," Sirius said, back at his boyfriend's side. "It's all right. It's all going to be all right."

"No it's bloody well not going to be all right!" Remus shouted, causing Sirius to jump backwards. "They're dead, Sirius! Dead! Lily and James, Sirius! And Harry!" Remus broke into sobs again, his energy nearly spent.

"Harry's not dead, Remus." Sirius said, making Remus looked up at him sharply.

"Not dead, but then… where is he, Sirius? Why isn't he here? With us?"

"Hagrid took him. Said Dumbledore had a place for him to go to. Something about a protection charm…" Sirius slid down the wall, his hands covering his face. "There was nothing I could do. By the time I got there the place was in ruins." Sirius trailed off as he looked up at Remus, his eyes red and bloodshot. "It was a miracle that I even found their bodies. But Remus… Oh Gods…" Sirius broke into sobs.

Remus crawled over to where his boyfriend sat on the floor, gathering the larger man into his arms and kissing him on the head, the only consolation he could offer.

"Lily said… something about a charm," Remus said after awhile and Sirius looked up at him sharply. "Something about a charm that would hide them from… Him. And something about a friend protecting them."

Sirius had suddenly stopped crying, the pain in his eyes replaced by a furious anger and Remus backed away when Sirius started laughing maniacally. "He thought that he'd get away with it! But he won't. Just you wait and see, Remus, I'll kill him! I'll kill the little bastard if I die trying. For revenge, Remus. Revenge will be mine." With that Sirius jumped up off the floor and headed towards the door.

"Sirius!" Remus called out, realising that his boyfriend was leaving. "Don't go. Don't leave me here."

"Don't worry, it's all going to be all right. I'll fix it." Sirius said, kissing Remus softly on the lips. "I won't be gone long. I promise. I'll be back soon." Sirius moved off towards the door again, fingering something, probably his wand, in his pocket as he did so. And then he was gone, leaving the front door open and Remus Lupin lying on the floor in the middle of the hallway, tears streaming unchecked down his face.

---

Remus waited an agonisingly long seven hours for Sirius to return. He didn't dare move from his spot on the floor, for fear that if he did, the world would shatter to pieces around him. Not long after Sirius had left, the sun rose, bathing the hallway and Remus in light. But Remus didn't want to think about the light. Truth be told he didn't want to think about anything. But the thoughts refused to leave him alone.

Thoughts of Lily and James ran through his head, driving him near-crazy with the knowledge that he'd never see his two friends again except in his mind and in the photos he'd always keep. Images of the two of them flashed before his eyes: James sitting in the common room for hours writing a truly terrible poem about Lily; Lily standing on top of one of the coffee tables in the common room, threatening to curse James if he didn't get over there and ask her out. Images of James standing at the head of the church, running his hand through his hair for the fifteenth time in thirty seconds; Lily walking down the aisle, a huge smile plastered on her face as she glowed with love.

Lily berating James for forgetting about the Christmas pudding in the oven and letting it burn; James smiling as he ran his hand through Lily's hair as she slept against him, sixth months pregnant and worn out; Lily lying exhausted on the hospital bed, smiling at her husband as he held their son in his arms; James holding Harry in his arms as they all sang 'Happy Birthday' to him, and Lily blowing out the candles, a huge smile on her face. And last of all, Lily and James as he had last seen them, waving goodbye to them from the car as they prepared to go into hiding, brave smiles on their faces even as the tears ran down their cheeks.

Remus couldn't bare it anymore. He couldn't stand to sit here on the floor of his empty flat while somewhere the hearts of his two friends were no longer beating, and Sirius was running around like a madman. _Sirius_. Remus had to do something before Sirius landed himself in Azkaban in his grief. Remus raised himself off the floor and walked out the open door of the apartment. He was just beginning to walk along the street in the direction he had seen Sirius head when he was stopped in his tracks by the form of Gideon Prewett. Gideon was a fellow member of the Order of the Phoenix and worked within the Ministry of Magic as an Auror. Remus felt an iron fist curl around his heart and squeeze tightly: one of Gideon's main roles within the Ministry and the Order was to tell family that their loved one's were dead.

"What is it?" he asked, there was no time to be polite, not when Remus had to find Sirius before he got himself or someone else hurt.

"Remus," Gideon said by way of greeting. "I think that you should come inside and sit down."

"I already know about Lily and James, Gideon." Gideon looked up at Remus sharply. "Now, if you don't mind, I need to find Sirius." Remus made to move past Gideon but was stopped when Gideon reached out to grab his arm.

"That's what I need to talk to you about, Remus."

"What's happened?" Remus asked desperately. "Where is Sirius?"

"Like I said before, I think that you should come inside and sit down." Remus nodded mutely and walked back up the stairs of the flat and down the hall into the kitchen. Taking a seat, he motioned Gideon to the one opposite him and closed his eyes, covering his face with his hands. Gideon began looking uncomfortable.

"Just tell me Gideon." Remus' voice was less than a whisper and cracked with emotion.

"The Order has discovered the traitor." Gideon's voice was calm, professional and Remus closed his eyes, relieved after all that this had nothing to do with Sirius after all. "It seems that he has been serving You-Know-Who for quite some time. He appears to have gone mad following the destruction of You-Know-Who last night in Godric's Hollow." Remus looked up at Gideon, Sirius hadn't told him _this_ part. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Remus, but Peter's dead." Remus felt another sob rise in his throat; another friend dead. Next Gideon would probably tell him that Sirius was dead too. "It appears that Peter discovered the identity of the traitor and confronted him."

"You idiot, Peter." Remus said under his breath.

"Remus," Gideon's voice was still calm, but something in his voice caught Remus' attention and he looked up. "I didn't want to have to tell you this, but Dumbledore thought that it was best. It's Sirius. Sirius Black was the traitor." Remus felt the world shatter around him. How could Sirius betray him like this? How could he betray all of them? It wasn't possible.

"He's dead, isn't he?" Remus didn't know how he could be calm when his whole life as he had known it had just ended.

"No," Gideon said, but then as Remus looked up hopefully, he continued. "But, you must understand Remus, Sirius has just killed thirteen people. He massacred Peter and was responsible for the deaths of Lily and James. He's going to Azkaban, Remus. Personally, I hope that he rots there."

Remus jumped up out of his seat at this, no one deserved Azkaban. "No! That is a life of misery, of torment. He doesn't deserve that. I'll stop it. I'll testify for him at the trial. I'll—"

"Remus!" Gideon interrupted him. "There isn't going to be a trial. He's already been sent to Azkaban. He was laughing when the teams got there and didn't even resist." Remus sunk back into his seat. "He's already mad, Remus. There's no saving him now. It's best that you forget all about him and remember those whom you have lost."

"But I have lost Sirius." Remus whispered and hid his face when he saw the pitying look in Gideon's eyes. He hated it when people pitied him. That was what had drawn him to his friends in the first place; they had never pitied him. Remus groaned with the pain of it all; not only had he lost three of his best friends, but in the same stroke he had also lost the only person he believed he would ever be able to love.

"I'm sorry, Remus." Gideon said. "Like I said, I didn't want to have to tell you all of this."

"It's all right, Gideon." Remus said, before laughing at his own words. "I needed to know. You can go now if you want."

"Actually, Remus," Gideon replied, "I can't. Dumbledore asked me to keep an eye on you." Remus looked up at him questioningly, silently asking him to elaborate. "He said to make sure that you don't do anything… stupid. We need you Remus. We've suffered greatly in the last two days alone. We can't afford to lose you as well. The Order needs you. Dumbledore said to tell you that he's going to need you undercover, to make sure that Death Eaters aren't planning any attacks in the near future. But until then, I'm to look out for you."

Remus nodded understandingly. So, Dumbledore thought that he was going to try to kill himself, did he? He obviously didn't know Remus as well as he thought. Remus had survived becoming a werewolf, he wasn't about to pull a knife across his wrists. At least Dumbledore had given him something to focus on other than the images of his friends as he had last seen them. Remus slowly rose from his seat and moved off in the direction of the stairs. He was stopped by Gideon's hand on his arm.

"I'm just going upstairs to shower and change." Remus said, and even he was shocked at how dead his voice sounded in the silence of the apartment. "I can't stay in this for the rest of my life." At Gideon's uncertain look, Remus said, "Look, I promise that I'm not going to slit my wrists while I'm up there, all right? I don't do things like that. It's my belief that we can't choose when we're going to die." With that, Remus loosened Gideon's grip on his arm and walked up the stairs, trying desperately not to think of that other promise that had been made earlier in the morning and which had already been broken.

But despite all of his best attempts, one thought plagued him as he made his way upstairs and walked through their bedroom – _his_ bedroom – and through to the bathroom; _Sirius_.

**---**

**Message from the Author:** This is my longest chapter yet! I hope thatit is all right... Once again, thank you so much for reviewing for the last chapter, guys. It makes me feel so warm and happy inside.

_Evalanis._


	11. November 1982

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is. 

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

**_Part Eleven – Remembrance_**

"_A conjoined past imperishably present."_

---

**November 1982**

For nearly all of his twenty-two years of life, Remus Lupin had known the meaning of the word pain. At the age of five he had cried out in pain as the wolf bit into his shoulder, leaving a scar that would never heal. One night of every month since then, he had screamed as his bones broke and his skin tore; screamed in pain as he succumbed to the power of the full moon and became a dangerous beast he despised. Remus had suffered pain when his father had called him a monster before walking out on him forever. He had known pain when Sirius had betrayed him that first time in the name of fun, placing his life and the life of another student in danger.

Remus had known pain when he had pulled open his front door in the middle of the night to reveal Sirius Black standing on the door step, and had known immediately that two of his best friends had been murdered. He had known pain when Gideon Prewett had told him that yet another friend had been killed, no, _slaughtered_, in a Muggle street by one they had trusted. Remus had felt the pain of his heart breaking when he was told that Sirius, who he had loved more than words could describe, had betrayed them all. But nothing could compare to the pain Remus still felt, a year later, at the knowledge that despite everything Sirius had done to them all, Remus still loved him very, very much. Loved him more than he hated him.

Remus slammed his fist into the table, wanting all of the pain to go away. He was fed up with feeling pain. It had been exactly one year ago that Gideon had appeared on his doorstep and had given him the news that had caused Remus' world to shatter to pieces around him. And in all that time, not one single tear had fallen from Remus' eyes to mourn the passing of his friends. He had found after his shower that day that he had no more tears to cry, that he couldn't cry even if he had wanted to. Remus held up his glass of Firewhisky in a silent salute to whatever sadistic being refused to allow him to die before downing all of the burning fluid in one go.

Placing his empty glass on the table in front of him, Remus ran his hand through his tawny hair which hung limply to his shoulders. His once beautiful amber eyes were bloodshot and cloudy, and no emotion showed through them. His frame, which had always been rather on the slight side, showed that he had only eaten enough to sustain him for quite some time and was covered in tatty robes which were in dire need of repair. A lot had changed in the past year.

He had felt anger and betrayal, wanting to hate Sirius for what he had done to them all. Betrayed by Sirius and by his own feelings for the other man. He had felt loss as he crumpled to the floor in the kitchen one day, the realisation of what had happened finally making its torturous way into his mind. But the strongest emotion that he had felt was not anger or betrayal, nor was it loss, love or hate, but hope. Every night for a year when Remus went to bed he would hope against all possibilities that when he awoke in the morning it would be to find that it had all been a terrible dream. Sirius would be there to comfort him and not long after James and Lily would come around with Harry to visit them, followed closely by Peter. But the hope never lasted long. The hope would disappear when the morning light came to wake him in the bed he had once shared with Sirius. A bed that would remain empty, no matter how hard or how many times Remus would hope.

The past year was a blur to him. It seemed as if he had simply stood frozen in the one spot as the rest of the world had continued to swirl around him. For how could he continue to live when those whom he had loved were gone?

Remus shoved his empty glass across the table with all of the force of the wolf, not even wincing when he heard it smash into the wall and break. He sighed and stood up, grabbing another glass from the cupboard and pouring Firewhisky into it. Somewhere inside him he knew that he shouldn't be getting himself drunk, but he couldn't care. On this day, exactly a year since he had learned that he was to be alone for the rest of his life, the pain was too much to bear. Remus swallowed his Firewhisky and stood up, leaving the kitchen and taking his glass and bottle with him. Tonight was a night for remembrance and if Remus was going to survive it, he was going to need Old Ogden's help.

Remus settled himself in his armchair in the lounge room, waving his wand to light the fireplace as he did so. Immediately the fire roared into being, filling the almost empty room with light and warmth that didn't touch Remus. His mind was far away already, back in a time when he had not been alone. When he had had three friends whom he had loved like a family.

Remus smiled faintly as he poured himself another drink, thinking of the time in fifth year when Lily had hit James rather hard on the head with his own broomstick. James had complained for days that he would suffer brain damage for the rest of his life and had tried to use the rather prominent bump on his head as an excuse to get out of completing his OWLs. He had not been successful. Remus remembered the time Peter had been holding tiny Harry as he walked through the house at Godric's Hollow and had slipped, causing him to let go of his fragile parcel. Luckily, Remus had been there and had managed to catch Harry before any damage had been done but poor Peter had been scolded by an overly protective Lily for well over an hour as the others laughed. Lily's tongue had always been one of her most formidable weapons and rumour at Hogwarts had clearly stated that she sharpened it nightly before going to bed. Remus had always had a sneaking suspicion that _that_ particular rumour had been started by James.

Remus swallowed some of his drink and waited as he felt the burning sensation recede before returning his thoughts to times past. He remembered the five of them – James, Lily, Harry, Peter and himself – sitting around the Christmas tree in front of the fireplace laughing as they unwrapped their presents. If there was something missing or a shadow in this memory, Remus ignored it. He saw James helping Harry to unwrap the present Peter had given him and looking much more delighted than Harry did to see that it was a miniature broomstick. Remus had laughed as he saw the distinct look of disapproval on Lily's face and had sunk backwards into Sirius's embra—

"No!" Remus shouted at himself, jumping out of his seat and dislodging his drink as he did so. But he didn't notice. Remus leaned against the mantelpiece as his breath came harshly. He would _not_ allow himself to think of that person. He would not allow himself to think of the way the left side of Sirius' mouth would raise slightly higher than the right when he smiled. Nor of the way Sirius would hold Remus tight against him as they sat on the floor in front of this very fireplace, protecting Remus from the cold night air. Remus shook his head as pictures of Sirius began to run through his mind. He could not afford to think about Sirius and of what they had been to one another. He could not stand the pain of it. The only thing about Sirius that Remus wanted to remember was that he had betrayed them. Before that, as far as Remus was concerned, Sirius had not known them and had definitely not meant anything to them.

Remus picked up his glass from the floor where it had rolled when he had dislodged it. Without even thinking he cleaned up the spilled drink with a wave of his wand before pouring himself another glass of the strong drink and sitting back down in his armchair.

Returning to his memories, Remus smiled as he thought of the time in sixth year that James had started a pillow fight in their dormitory at three o'clock in the morning. Said fight would have gone unnoticed by the rest of Gryffindor if not for a _very_ girly squeak which erupted from Peter as he fell off the bed in an attempt to escape from Remus. The laughter which had erupted had woken the rest of the house and they had been interrupted shortly after by an _incredibly_ irate Lily Evans. They had all tried their hardest to stifle their laughter as Lily had threatened to go to Professor McGonagall and tell her what had happened, but had failed when James had simply commented that he wouldn't hold it against her if she went out with him. Lily had slapped James before turning on her heel and storming out of the room and James had turned to his friends before asking quietly; 'What did I do?' causing the others to erupt in laughter yet again. It had been worth the hundred points or so that McGonagall had taken from them the next morning at breakfast.

Remus swallowed his drink and sighed, making himself more comfortable as the memories came flooding back. Memories of the time his friends had confronted him about his lycanthropy, and of the first night they had joined him, the wolf, in their Animagus forms. If there was another black haired boy or a shaggy black dog in these memories, Remus was too drunk to either notice or care. He remembered the morning he had woken up in the Hospital Wing after the full moon to see his friends surrounding his bed wearing party hats and each holding presents out to him. Even he had forgotten it was his birthday. Remus remembered the time the five of them had gone down to Hogsmeade shortly before they were to leave Hogwarts forever and had spent the entire day just laughing at everything. Remus remembered the first time he had woken up to find Sirius' form beside him in the bed and how his only reaction had been to move closer to the man he loved. He remembered the nights he and Sirius had spent curled up in front of the fireplace, just talking. Talking about everything and nothing at all.

That night, when Remus Lupin fell asleep on the armchair in front of the fire, memories of the friends who had become more than a family to him filled his mind and brought the traces of a smile to his lips and tears to his eyes. That night, for the first time in a year, he did not go to sleep with hope in his heart. And for the first time in a year, when he awoke in the morning to a sore body, he did not feel the pain of his heart breaking when he remembered that he was all alone.

---

**Message from the Author:** Once again, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed for the last chapter. At least now I know that I wasn't the only one I made cry just a little. I hope that you all liked this chapter. It's probably my favourite (or second-favourite, I haven't decided yet) so far and definitely the hardest for me to write. So thank you for reading it.

_Evalanis._


	12. July 1993

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

**Message from the Author:** Well, I'm not overly happy with this chapter. But I like it more now then I did just under an hour ago. So, here it is. Thank you very much to everyone who reviewed for the last chapter, it means a lot that you all liked my favourite chapter too. It's not just parental pride then...Only two more to go after this one... _Evalanis_.

_**Part Twelve – Escape**_

"_So when you walk the woods where once we walked together,_

_And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,"_

---

**July 1993**

Remus Lupin walked slowly and carefully down the stairs of his apartment, rubbing the sleep from his bleary eyes as he did so and blinking in the harsh morning sunlight. He knew that he need no longer wake up so early in the morning, but could not help himself and continued to do so purely out of habit.

Remus paused and looked out the window at the cloudless blue sky, grumbling to himself. Of all the seasons of loneliness that had passed in the last twelve years or so, Remus hated this one, Summer, the most. Summer reminded him of days spent under the beech tree by the lake at Hogwarts and of nights spent lying on the cooling grass outside the castle with nothing but the stars to cover their heads. Above all, Summer reminded Remus of the friends whom he had lost and could never replace. Summer reminded him of Sirius.

Remus roughly ran his hand through his greying hair, as if shaking loose his thoughts, before continuing on his journey to the kitchen. Barely noticing what he was doing, Remus went through the same pattern he had observed every morning for nearly twelve years.

Once his tea and porridge were ready and seated in his spot on the empty table, Remus nodded mutely to himself and made to sit down in his chair. He was interrupted, however, by the arrival of that morning's _Daily Prophet_ which landed, still attached to the owl whom had delivered it, right in his porridge.

Remus grumbled and mumbled something about stupid owls before picking the porridge-drenched owl and newspaper out of his breakfast and placing them on the table. Slowly he got up and fetched five Knuts from the jar on the bench where he kept his smaller amounts of money, grimacing as he noted once again how empty it was and paid the owl when it weakly lifted up it's leg and hooted.

Remus helped the owl on its way and made himself a new batch of porridge before attempting to sit down at his table once again, this time uninterrupted. For some minutes Remus indulged in eating his porridge and sipping at his now lukewarm tea before he turned his attention to the still unwrapped _Daily Prophet_ lying next to him on the table. Remus reached his hand out to unfold the newspaper but stopped himself just before opening it. For some reason he had a certain reluctance to read the paper this morning, as if he would be confronted with something bad.

"Don't be stupid, Remus." He muttered to himself, stretching his hand out all the way and grabbing the newspaper. Remus opened up the newspaper slowly, still somewhat reluctant to read about what ever bad news the day brought. Opening the paper to the front page, Remus lowered his eyes to the large black and white picture that occupied nearly all the page and froze as the tortured eyes in the picture calmly turned to look back at him.

_SIRIUS BLACK, MASS MURDERER AND YOU-KNOW-WHO SUPPORTER MYSTERIOUSLY ESCAPES FROM AZKABAN PRISON!_

Remus felt his heart clench as he read the bold words glaring up at him from above the photo. _No. Not this. Not now._ He thought furiously as he stared into the defiant eyes of Sirius Black for the first time in twelve years. He tore his eyes away from those of his former lover and hastily scanned the article in front of him, hardly daring to believe what he was reading. Never, in all of the years since its construction had a prisoner managed to escape from Azkaban prison, and definitely not a prisoner as watched and guarded as Sirius Black.

For some time after he had finished the article, Remus continued to sit at the table in a stunned silence, his tea and porridge lying forgotten in front of him as thoughts raced unbidden through his mind.

Why, after all this time would Sirius want to escape? What could he possibly want to do so desperately that he would risk death or even the Dementor's Kiss to do it? Once upon a time, he would have believed that Sirius would risk it all for his friends; for James, Lily, Peter and Remus, even for Harry. But now he knew better. Sirius Black had betrayed them all and obviously had never cared for any of them. Although Remus still loved the other man, he was no longer blinded by it. Remus sat up abruptly in his seat when he found himself courting the possibility that Sirius had finally escaped for him. That Sirius was coming home for him. Remus sighed, taking a drink of his cold tea and fiercely tried to find a _plausible_ reason for Sirius' escape after so long.

His musing was interrupted by a rather loud knock on the front door. He got up out of his chair, hastily tipping into the sink the remainder of his breakfast before rushing to open the door. Pulling back his front door, Remus was confronted with the rather intimidating figure of none other than Albus Dumbledore, his former Headmaster at Hogwarts.

"Professor Dumbledore." Remus said, feeling relieved and disappointed at the same time for reasons he neither understood nor wished to explore. "What a surprise to see you."

"Isn't it just?" Dumbledore asked, his tone serious and his sparkling blue eyes sombre. "May I come in?"

"What? Oh, of course. Forgive me." Remus said, ushering Dumbledore inside the apartment before hastily scanning the empty street for signs of movement and shutting the door. "My mind is currently elsewhere."

"Ah, I assume then, that you have had the pleasure of reading this morning's _Daily Prophet_?" Dumbledore asked, his blue eyes seeking Remus' own amber ones.

"If you could call learning about the escape of a mass murderer pleasurable, then I have." Remus said, pretending, yet again, that he had never known Sirius Black as more than a murderer. He walked in the direction of the lounge room, Dumbledore following close behind him. "Would I be able to get you anything, Headmaster?" Remus said, gesturing Dumbledore towards one of the armchairs in front of the lit fire place.

"No thank you, Remus. I don't believe that I shall be able to stay for too long." Remus nodded and seated himself in the chair opposite Dumbledore. "And Remus, you have not been my pupil for nearly twenty years. Please, call me Albus." Remus bowed his head, knowing that he could never call such a man as Albus Dumbledore by his first name.

"Yes, sir." Remus said, Dumbledore smiled at this but did not comment on it.

"Now I suppose that I should explain the reason for my visit today." Dumbledore said, causing Remus to look up at him abruptly. "You see, I am in dire need of a Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and I thought that maybe you would be able to help me."

Remus sighed, relieved that Dumbledore's visit had nothing to do with the escape of Sirius Black from Azkaban prison, before he paid attention to what Dumbledore was asking him to do.

"I'm sorry, Professor but I must decline." Remus said, once again avoiding contact with Dumbledore's eyes.

"Ah, would you mind explaining to me why you are unable to take up a position as teacher at Hogwarts?" Dumbledore said, his blue eyes challenging.

"Professor, you must be able to see why a person such as myself, a person in my… condition, is unfit to teach young children. It is simply not safe." Remus stated, thinking for a moment that perhaps Dumbledore had forgotten about his 'furry little problem' as James had once dubbed it.

"Remus, have you ever heard of a potion named Wolfsbane?" At Remus' rejection, Dumbledore went on. "It is a rather recent invention and although it is difficult to brew, I have among my staff someone who has successfully made it a number of times already. You see Remus, the Wolfsbane Potion, although it does not cure the affects of lycanthropy, is able to prevent the wolf's mind taking complete control over the human mind at the occurrence of the full moon."

Remus sat back in his chair, taking it all in. The Wolfsbane Potion sounded like something out of his wildest dreams, presenting him with opportunities that he had only ever dreamed of happening. But still…

"Despite that, Professor, I have never taught before. I can't see why you can't just find someone else for the job." Dumbledore sighed.

"Remus, Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban prison," Dumbledore said bluntly, causing Remus to blink.

"Yes, I know that. But—"

"The Ministry of Magic has reason to fear that he is after Harry." Dumbledore interrupted and Remus knew exactly which Harry he was referring to. "That he wants to _kill _Harry. I would appreciate it if you were at Hogwarts to help Harry at the moment. After all, you were one of his father's closest friends, and you did know Sirius Black."

"I thought I did." Remus said quietly. Dumbledore looked at him sadly.

"I know that this is hard for you Remus, but I_ need_ your help."

"I'll do it." Remus said quietly after a time, before looking up into Dumbledore's eyes. "I'll do it for Harry."

Dumbledore left soon after, once again leaving Remus alone to his thoughts. Walking back into his kitchen, Remus looked again at the photo of Sirius Black as he now was; long black hair reaching down to his elbows, bones pointing out everywhere, and those eyes. Remus had never seen eyes so sad and despairing and yet containing so much desperation before in his life. But there was one other thing that caught his attention. They said that every man who entered Azkaban went crazy after only a short time in the prison, but Sirius' eyes showed clearly that he was in complete possession of his mind. And that the said mind was just as sharp as it had always been, and just as calculating. Sirius Black was very far from mad, a fact which made him even more dangerous.

The rest of the day passed, like the past twelve years, as a blur. Remus stared into the tortured eyes of the man he had once believed he had known better then he knew himself, desperately trying to understand what had gone wrong. How it was that Sirius had come to betray them all and he had never noticed anything. How it was that Sirius had been able to murder one of their closest friends in cold blood. Surely it must come down to madness? What other reason was there for Sirius wanting to kill Harry so desperately?

_Harry_. Remus had not seen the boy in twelve years, but he would do what he could to ensure his safety. For Lily and James who had died to save him, for little Peter who had looked at him with joy and something akin to love, and for Harry himself, even though he didn't know it yet. But also for that little part of him that was screaming to see Sirius Black again.


	13. June 1996

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

_**Part Thirteen – Be Careful**_

"_Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,_

_And spotting something reach by habit for my hand,_

_And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you."_

---

**June 1996**

"If I had known that this would be my _freedom_," Sirius spat out, looking at the derelict house around him in what could only be described as extreme disgust. "I never would have left the confines of Azkaban."

"Wouldn't you?" Remus said, his amber eyes challenging from where he sat on the couch in front of the fireplace. "Would you really have stayed there for the rest of your life?"

Sirius sighed, turning to face the window. "Truthfully? I have no idea. I don't think that I would have been able to survive there much longer. But hell, I don't think that I'll be able to survive _here_ much longer."

It had been hard at first, to shed twelve years of distrust and hurt, but in the end, the love that Remus had always felt for Sirius had won against the hate that he had nursed in all the time he had been alone. He had been able to forget that for twelve years of his life he had believed that the man he had loved had betrayed him and all of their friends. Sirius had helped him to forget and the hate had slowly faded into oblivion, replaced almost completely by love.

But it had not been easy. Nothing had been able to make Sirius forget completely. He still bore the scars, both physical and psychological, of being locked away for twelve years in the worst kind of prison man had ever invented. Remus had tried to help him, had attempted to kiss away all of the pain, but it had been difficult. The pain remained, if not in Sirius' appearance than in his eyes which would hold his pain and loss for the rest of his life.

Remus closed his eyes, and rested his head on the back of the couch. It had been a long day. He sighed when he felt the couch sink down beside him before smiling tiredly when he felt a hand run lightly through his greying hair.

"Rough day?" Sirius asked, his voice soft.

"Hmm," was Remus' only answer. And Sirius was silent, watching him as he ran his hand through his lover's hair.

"Remus?" Sirius asked quietly after some time.

"Yes?"

"I think that I would have gotten out at some point anyway. If not for Harry, then for you." Remus smiled and opened his eyes, looking up at Sirius who was avoiding contact with his amber eyes.

"I know," Remus said, finding Sirius' hand and squeezing it lightly. "I'm just happy to have you, either way." He let go of Sirius' hand only to mover closer to him and warm himself in his embrace. For some time the two of them remained like that, watching the fire in silence. "I thought that it was all a dream at first," Remus said after a time. "You just turning up at the door of the apartment, calm as anything."

"I was dying inside," Sirius replied quietly. So quietly that Remus could barely hear him. "It had been thirteen years since we had been alone together. _Thirteen years_. I didn't think that we'd ever be the same again."

"We're not really. We're more different than I would have originally thought possible."

"I suppose so." Sirius said, looking down at Remus sombrely. "I almost turned around, afraid that you would reject me. But I had my orders from Dumbledore."

"I wouldn't have." Remus said softly, not looking Sirius in the eyes. "Every moment that I have had you back in my life, I have feared that I was going to lose you." Sirius pulled Remus close to him, keeping him safe. "At first when you left I hoped so hard every night that you would come back to me or that I would wake in the morning and find that it had all been a horrible, horrible dream. And now I fear that I'll go to sleep at night with you by my side and wake in the morning to find that you're gone. That all of this was a dream. Worse by far compared to the one I wished to dream before."

Remus looked at Sirius for the first time since he had begun talking and was surprised to find that Sirius was still looking at him, the threat of tears glistening in his silver eyes. Sirius leaned down and kissed Remus lightly on the forehead and then the lips.

"I'm not going anywhere." He said against Remus' lips. "I pro—"

"No." Remus said, cutting him off by pulling away and placing his fingers over Sirius' mouth. "No promises." Sirius looked at him, confused for a moment before the understanding of what Remus was trying not to say hit him. Remus didn't want him to make another promise in case it, too, was broken like the one he had made all those years ago. _I won't be gone long_. The promise that had been made that day hung in the air before and around them, and Sirius knew instinctively that it would never leave. _I won't be gone long…_

"I'm so sorry, Remus." Sirius spoke quietly, looking at the other man softly and Remus knew that he meant it with all of his heart. He knew that if Sirius could have found his way home that day, he would have allowed nothing to stop him. " I was going to come back. I wanted to come back so much, all of those years. The thought of you kept me company through every cold night that I lay in that stone room. I—"

Sirius broke off, looking away from Remus. They had never really talked about the twelve years that they had spent apart; choosing instead to leave them in the past and make the years that remained to them, however long or short, count. Remus leant up and kissed Sirius softly, attempting yet again to kiss away the pain of the past. The kiss quickly turned into something more desperate and passionate and Remus broke away, struggling for breath.

"I should go upstairs soon." Remus stated some time later, still not attempting to move from where he was curled up against Sirius. "I have another long and busy day ahead of me tomorrow. Do you want to come with me?" Sirius pulled Remus closer to himself, his eyes fixing on the flames in the fireplace.

"In a moment. I just want to stay here for a little bit longer." Remus nodded and settled against Sirius' chest, listening to his heart beat and comforted by the knowledge that it was still beating. "Remus?" Sirius said after a time, breaking the silence.

"Hmm?" Sirius looked down at the man curled up beside him and smiled. Remus was falling asleep. He supposed that he shouldn't really be surprised, after all, they were not as young as they had once been. A lot of things had changed since the times when they would stay up until early into the morning partying and simply revelling in their young love. For starters, they no longer believed that they were immortal. The deaths of their friends had taught them that.

"You'll be careful, won't you?" Sirius asked, speaking so softly that Remus had to strain to hear him over the beating of the heart beneath his cheek. "You're all that I have left. You and Harry. I honestly don't know what I would do if I lost you." Without looking up at his lover, Remus knew that Sirius' gaze had returned once again to the fire in front of him and that, no matter how much the tears threatened to spill, his strength of will was still strong enough to prevent him from breaking down entirely.

"I'll be as careful as I can be," Remus responded quietly. "I'm more worried about you."

"Me?' Sirius responded, his voice incredulous. "How on earth am I meant to get into trouble! Locked away in this corner of hell as I am!" His voice had been rising and they heard Kreacher drop something downstairs. Sirius grimaced at the reminder that they were not the only living beings in the house and when he spoke again his voice had softened significantly. "I never wanted to come back here. When I left all those years ago I never planned on coming back. And now look at me, trapped like I was at the age of sixteen."

Remus looked up into Sirius' eyes, noting once again the loss that would never leave them. "You have me." He said quietly. Sirius turned to face him, a sad smile gracing him lips.

"I know." Sirius said, leaning down and kissing him softly. "I'm sorry. Let's go up to bed. We both seem to be getting quite sentimental in our old age."

Slowly the two of them stood up from the couch, stretching muscles tired from being in the one position for too long.

"And if it makes you feel any better," Sirius began as they left the room. "I'll try my best to be careful."

"I know, thank you." Remus said his voice quiet and passionate in his belief of the other man. He smiled and leaned over to kiss Sirius again, not quite as gently as before. "I love you."

Sirius looked back at him, silver eyes meeting amber, reading the message that Remus would not put into words in his eyes: _Don't leave me_. "I love you, too. And I won't."

Remus smiled, knowing as no one else would exactly what Sirius was telling him. As they left the warmth of the room he placed his arm around Sirius' waist, Sirius' arm going over his shoulders, and the two of them walked up the stairs to the bedroom which they shared.

Neither of them noticed Kreacher watching them with hatred sparkling in his eyes as they ascended the creaking stairs.

---

**Message from the Author:** I honestly can't believe that there's only one more to go after this one. I hope that you all liked it. Thank you so much for the reviews, they really meant a hell of a lot. I plan to give you all more detailedand personal responses to your reviewsnext time. Thank you so much guys... This is nearly it...


	14. July 1998

**Rating**: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

**Message from the Author:** The End! Sorry that it took so long... This chapter, the last chapter of _Footfalls Within My Heart_ I would like to dedicate to my wonderful mother, for being the best beta reader a person could wish for, and to Lucy. I hope that this one finally being up will help to end the pain. You mean so much to me, and this one is for you, even if you never read it...

More later...

**_Part Fourteen – The Last Marauder_**

"_Be still._

_Close your eyes._

_Breathe."_

**July 1998**

Within a day, Sirius Black was dead.

This time, Remus found that he was able to mourn. And mourn he did. For three weeks, Remus locked himself away from the rest of the world; for three weeks he cried the tears he hadn't been able to cry before; for three weeks Remus allowed himself to forget everyone and everything except himself and Sirius. Sirius who was gone from him forever.

At first, all Remus could think of was how _empty_ he felt. Of the hole that Sirius had left in his heart with his passing. After a time though he realised that he did not feel empty, but strangely complete. Before when he had lost Sirius, he had refused to dwell on the happy moments which he had shared with the dark-haired boy and had fallen into a despair so deep it took him twelve years to climb out of it. This time, Remus allowed himself to remember Sirius as he had been, and he was able to live properly. To go on, even when now there was no chance of ever being reunited with Sirius Black, except in death.

Now, more than two years after the death of Sirius Black, Remus was satisfied. Everything they had ever fought for had been won, although the cost had been higher than they had originally believed in their youthful immortality. Remus paused for a moment, remembering those friends he had lost. James and Lily who were killed as they defended the life of their young son. Peter who had betrayed them all but who had, in the end, shown his true Gryffindor colours and sacrificed his own life for Harry's. And Sirius. Sirius who had fallen with the grace of an angel.

None of them had ever really gotten the chance to live properly, and that, Remus thought, was the worst part of all.

Remus carried each of those friends within himself; Lily and James as they kissed at the head of the church, glowing with their love for one another; Peter as he searched through his bag for the ever evasive Chocolate Frogs; Sirius as he lay on the couch in the Gryffindor common room, resting his head in Remus' lap and looking up at him with those beautiful silver eyes. This was how Remus would always remember them, young and full of life and love.

He still remembered the day when, three weeks after Sirius' death, an owl had entered the room he had once shared with his lover and unceremoniously deposited a letter on top of his head. A letter written in Sirius' somehow graceful and yet untamed writing. Remus remembered the way that his heart had beaten louder than any drum as he broke the wax seal on the piece of parchment. He still, even after the past two years, could recite the letter word for word, and he doubted that he would ever forget it:

_Remus,_

_If you're reading this, I am dead. Sounds rather cliché doesn't it?_

_I was wrong Remus. Wrong when I said that death was not for me. I wouldn't have been able to live if it wasn't. For death is a part of life, Remus. The most important part._

_I hope that by the time you find this letter, I will be home, truly home. With Lily and James. If I am, only one thing must be missing, and that is you. Always, Remus, you were the one who made life worth living. Even when James and Lily were no longer there I always knew that everything would be all right. As long as I had you with me. As long as you were out there somewhere, I was able to go on. You were the pillar I leaned on, the source of all of my strength. _

_In Azkaban, only three things kept me going; the knowledge of my innocence, Harry, and you. I never stopped loving you Remus._

_I never told you how much I loved you often enough, did I? I should have. You were the world to me and I loved you with all of my black heart. No pun intended. I love you still._

_I know that nothing I can possibly say can explain to you how completely I have loved you, so I won't try. Even now, I fear how much of a fool I would make of myself. Look after Harry for me, Remus. You're the last one now. The Last Marauder. I'll be waiting for you, and if you ever need me, all you have to do is look inside your own heart._

_I love you Remus. I always have (even when I didn't know it myself) and I always will, even when I am no longer here. Forever isn't such a very long time when it comes to love. For love will outlast even the moon, especially our love._

_Forever yours,_

_Sirius._

So it was that after three weeks of doing nothing but lying in his otherwise empty bed with the tears he hadn't cried for fourteen years running freely down his cheeks, Remus Lupin had gotten up out of his bed and re-entered the world of the living. He had to live. For Sirius.

Now, some two years later, Remus smiled as he walked up to the front door of 12 Grimmauld Place. The gloomy house had changed in the two years since Remus had lived there. Where before it had been derelict and dark, now it brimmed with the life of it's new owner. Even Sirius wouldn't have minded being locked up here now. Remus rang the doorbell and grinned when Harry pulled it open, apron around his waist.

"Oh, hello Remus." Harry said, running a hand through his hair, mirroring his father without knowing it. Funny, how the two could be so alike. "Come in." Remus followed Harry into the house, smiling to himself as he noticed once again that the terrifying portrait of Mrs. Black had been removed. It had taken a lot of hard work, but eventually Harry had managed to remove the portrait; with the simple technique of striking a match. Mrs. Black had never expected it. Now, in her place stood a Muggle landscape picture, depicting a castle that Remus had always thought looked suspiciously like Hogwarts.

Remus followed Harry up the stairs and into the Drawing Room. It, too, had seen a lot of change since its days of Doxie infestation. Remus looked around him, taking in the changes to the room. All of the furniture that had once stood in the room was now gone, replaced with furniture that Harry had purchased shortly after leaving Hogwarts.

On the mantelpiece stood photos of those Harry truly cared about. In the centre was a photo of Harry, Ron and Hermione, taken by young Colin Creevey on their last day at Hogwarts. On one side of that was a photo of the Weasleys during their vacation in Egypt five years ago. And on the other side stood a photo that Remus recognised very well. Framed in a picture of eternal youth stood James, Lily and Sirius on the day of Lily and James' wedding, laughing at something Sirius had no doubt said. Remus stepped up to the picture, looking closer at his three best friends.

"It's my favourite photo of them." Harry remarked from behind Remus.

"I took it. Sirius had just commented on something, I don't remember what, and they started laughing." Remus turned to look at Harry as he spoke. "They were so happy that day, Harry. We all were"

"They look it." Harry commented.

"You should have seen them on the day you were born." As he spoke, Remus turned back to look at the photo. "They were glowing with pride."

"You were there?" Harry asked quietly.

"Of course. You were a 'feisty little thing,'" Remus said, causing Harry to laugh. "If I remember correctly, you tried to pull Sirius' hair out." The two of them laughed for a moment until they calmed down. Remus looked into Sirius' silver photo eyes and smiled, lifting his hand up to trace his lover's cheek.

"You loved him, didn't you?" Harry questioned softly. Remus smiled.

"I did, and I do." He said softly.

"Do you miss him?"

"Every single moment of every single day." Remus turned to Harry and grinned. Harry smiled in reply, both of them knew that it wasn't truly happiness that they felt.

"It must be great," Harry stated. "To love somebody so much."

"I loved all of them." Remus said, turning back to the photo on the mantelpiece. "And now I live for all of them." Harry smiled and the two of them remained silent for a few moments.

"You can have it, if you want it." Remus turned to look at Harry and then back at the photo.

"No, I don't need it."

"But you—"

"It's not seeing them again that draws me to the photo," Remus interrupted. "But remembering them all so happy. I don't need any photos of them because none of them could ever be as clear as my memories of them."

"I understand," Harry said, looking over at the photo of himself and his two best friends.

"I'm sure that you do." Remus said, looking once more at the photos on the mantelpiece before turning again to look at Harry. "Now, I'm being incredibly remiss. I came here to give you your birthday present."

"Remus," Harry began. "You really don't have to—"

"I know," Remus interrupted. "I wanted to." Remus dug in his pocket and brought out the present inside. "Here." Harry stepped over and took the present from Remus' hands, looking at it for a moment before moving to unwrap it.

"No." Remus said sharply, causing Harry to look up at him. "No, don't open it yet. Wait until I'm gone. It's from all of us." Harry looked into Remus' eyes, a question in his glance. "_All_ of us." Harry's gaze travelled back to the present he was holding in his hands, understanding in his look. Remus smiled at him, before turning and quietly leaving the house.

It had been hard for Remus to part with the scrapbook, but he had decided that Harry would need it, would cherish it, more than he would now. For nearly the whole of their seven years at Hogwarts, the Marauders had kept their scrapbook and filled it regularly with their thoughts, their plans for pranks and the photos that they had taken. Remus had known the moment that he had found it hidden away in the apartment he had shared with Sirius that he had to give it to Harry. There was no better present he could think of to give Harry on his eighteenth birthday.

Remus descended the stairs of Grimmauld Place and walked slowly down the street, watching, but not seeing, all of the other people walking hurriedly by. He smiled as he became lost in the memories of his friends.

Remus was still smiling when he went to bed later that night, consumed by his thoughts of those whom he had loved and eventually lost. And he was still smiling when in his dreams he approached a dark figure whose form he knew better than his own. He smiled as Sirius Black turned to face him, as he reached out his hand to touch him for the first time in two years. He smiled when Sirius kissed him softly on the forehead, and he was still smiling as they turned as one, to walk together into the distance.

In the morning, when Harry came to thank Remus for the present he had given him, he found him still smiling, lying on his bed with his amber eyes open and unblinking in the morning sunlight. Harry merely smiled in return, a single tear running silently down his cheek.

The last Marauder was finally home.

---

"_Listen for my footfall within your heart,_

_I am not gone but merely walk within you."_

---

**Message from the Author:** So that's it. The final part. I know that it's probably not as sad as the majority of you thought and maybe even hoped that it would be, but I found that there was no way in hell that I would be able to write about Remus shortly after Sirius died. Maybe another time. Okay, responses...

_The Cotton Candy Kisses, chaeli.meep., S.c.o.u.s.e.r.4.l.i.f.e _and_molloch -_ Thank you all so very much for your constant reviews. It was wonderful to know that you guys were actually all coming back to read my fic, time and time again. So very heartwarming. Thank you.

_MousePad -_ I don't even know if you're still reading this, but thank you for your reviews. You were one of the very first people to ever let me know that my work was appreciated, and although I would have continued writing it anyway, they definitely helped me have the courage to continue doing so.

_Charlotte Lazarus_ - Thank you so very much for all of your reviews, they've been a constant source of inspiration for me. I never thought that I would be able to make someone hate me as much as I've hated some other authors. I'm sorry, I didn't want to end it either, but all thinkgs must come to an end. Or so they say... Thank you so much for the constant reviews. They were definitely very welcome.

_Deathless Elf - _Although you haven't been reading this little story of mine, thank you so much for the reviews that you left. You can have no idea how much you made me smile when you said that my characters were natural. Your comments were very appreciated and definitely meant a lot. I hope to be able to read something of yours some time.

To _'anonymous', Idril831, Joolz, elsie777, AuthorityThief, lilliephoenix, birds of morrigan, Tanya J Potter, somon244 _and _self-harm-self-ingulgence -_ Thank you all! Your reviews meant so much.

And finally, to all the people (no matter how few or many) who have been reading this little story of mine, and who haven't reviewed. Thank you for reading.

And now, it is time for me to bow out (finally), or the 'thank yous' will become longer than the story itself. Thank you all...

_Evalanis._


End file.
